Blast In A Can

Oh 28!!!

So I just turned 28. I still don’t know how I feel about that. I definitely do not feel any older, but I am a little terrified that I only have 2 years left before the big 3-0. My plan as of right now is to stay 28 for the next 7 years, but we’ll play it by ear. Since this year was my “lucky year,” I made sure I had a very memorable birthday celebration. By “lucky year” I mean my lucky number is 12 and this is 2012 and my birthday was 12/12/12, and you get the picture.

The Saturday before my birthday, I kicked off the weeklong celebration by meeting Rachel Ray and her husband, John Cusimano at a book signing. Along with my friend, Amanda, and I, my parents and cousin came. We arrived hours early to make sure we had a spot in the crowd, and it paid off. Our seats we close to the stage and the interview was hilarious. Those two reminded me of the old hecklers from The Muppets. After the Q&A we all filed upstairs to get our books signed.

Weeks prior to this event, Amanda and I hatched a plan to network with Rachel and her hubby. As you all know, I am a photographer on the side and my goal was to have them pass my card on to someone who would “discover” my talents. Well Amanda is a baker, and makes a really delicious cupcake, and her goal was to get Rachel Ray to fall in love with her cupcakes. Well as we were in line, we started getting nervous and doubting ourselves. We finally decided the way to move ahead was to offer them something from this exchange of cards. Amanda wrote on her card “Good for 1 dozen cupcakes.” I wrote on mine, “First order is free.” And then the moment of truth came along.

As I approached Rachel and John, they were nothing but giggles and smiles. She thanked me for coming out and asked me how I was. I responded: “I’m doing great! Thank you guys for coming down to Philly and starting off my birthday week with a bang.” As soon as I said birthday, both of their heads shot up from the table and in unison, they wished me happy birthday. Well that gave me the courage to give them my card. I told them both it was good one free order. They high fived each other and he put the card in his pocket while she tucked it into her blouse!

The next few days were a bit of a blur. Sunday, I have the family birthday party at Outback Steakhouse. Monday, I hung out with a few friends who were home for the holidays. Tuesday, I spent half the day with Mom going to visit our holistic doctor in Maryland. Wednesday was my actual birthday. I had the day off from work, and again I went out with my mom.

We went to the mall to do some shopping and get a massage. Also my teddy bear that also turned 28 on December 12 got re-stitched and re-stuffed at Build-A-Bear. Yes I still have my childhood bear, he’s my family heirloom. The ladies at Build-A-Bear sang me happy birthday as they stitched Ralph up. Mind you I am a 28 year old man and the store was filled with two year olds. I spent the rest of my birthday at home watching old black and white movies. Thursday was my recover-from-the-week-get-ready-for-the-weekend day! Then came Friday, I went out with my friend Joel and Carissa. It was an oddly tame night. Then again the real party was happening on Saturday night!!!

Since I am friends with many people in high places in Philadelphia, I was able to make a list of friends to get into the bar for free. It all started around 8:30. People were arriving one by one and the drinks were arriving two by two. Every bartender, bouncer, friend, and even the head manager of the club bought me a drink. Then the dancing started, and sadly, I had to retire my beloved Single Ladies. It’s been 3 years now and I figured since I am moving on with life it’s now time to move on with another dance.

As the night came to a close, I dropped everyone off at their respective dwellings. I had just dropped off my dear friend, Britney, and I stopped at 7/11 for some water because I was parched. Not even two seconds of pulling out of the parking lot, a cop pulls me over because I forgot to turn my headlights back on after I exited the store. I almost died!!! I’m not stupid, I know my limit and I knew I was OK to drive home safely. The officer asked me how many I had had. I responded with 3 and never changed my answer. He asked why I was out and I told him it was my birthday weekend. He asked, with a smile on his face, “Why are you driving if it’s your birthday?” I responded “I don’t know, but can you talk to my friends about that?” He laughed and asked me step out of the vehicle.

Mama always taught me to respect authority and that I do. The officer told me if I could pass his tests, he would let me go home and enjoy the rest of my night. Well first he had me pat my head and rub my stomach, thank you Kindergarten for teaching me that! Then he asked me to balance on one foot for 5 seconds and then the other for another 5. Done! I have impeccable balance. He then asked me to walk the line, in my head I was humming Johnny Cash’s song and you know what? I walked the line like I was a pro gymnast walking on the balance beam. Then he said “OK one last thing. Without singing I want you to say your ABC’s D-S.” I responded “Yes Sir D-S.” He chuckled and I sang A-B-C in my head and proceeded to say D-S without any problem.

This guy knew I was good to go, but to be on the safe side he called his friend in who was another officer. When that officer arrived he made me follow the pen with my eyes not my head. I nailed it! I was so good at it the second officer said “Why are you so good at this?” I said “Sir, you’re the one that asked me to do this; I’m just doing what you said.” They both knew I was OK, but they had one last test for me.

The first responding officer dropped a penny on the ground and told me to pick it up and I can go home. Well around 7pm earlier that night I had just seen a YouTube clip with the same scenario except the drunk bent over and face planted into the pavement. So remembering this, I squatted down, grabbed the penny and handed it to the officer. He then told me “I told you to bend over and pick it up.” I replied “Sir everyone knows when you are picking something up you bend with the knees not the back.” Both officers chuckled and they told me to get home safe. They then handed me back my license and registration and wished me a happy birthday and then I did the unthinkable. I HUGGED THE OFFICERS AND THANKED THEM FOR LETTING ME GO!!! I got back in my car, questioned my life’s direction, and drove home.

Sober enough to pass all the tests; drunk enough to hug the officers!!!

NOW THAT WAS A BLAST IN A CAN!!!

Amarillo to Albuquerque

Our goal for the day was to make it to Albuquerque from St. Louis. First we had to get through Oklahoma. Although Oklahoma looks smaller than some states on the map, I can guarantee it’s an optical illusion. It took us nearly all day, sunrise to sunset, to travel through Oklahoma. Even though it was such a long drive, it was quite peaceful and oddly lonesome. There were very few cars on the road and at times we would drive an hour or more without seeing any cars at all. The most glorious thing we saw in OK was the Field of Windmills.

The windmills were so grand. I’m sure you have seen them before in movies. Any movie with a road trip in it usually has a clip of them driving through a patch of huge, white, energy making windmills. That’s them. We took plenty of pics and were so amazed by the sheer volume of them. The field went on for a few miles with 20+ windmills in each section. Later in our trip we saw a tractor trailer hauling just one of the blades and it was longer than the trailer itself. It’s a miracle what man can do.

Just as the sun was setting over the horizon, we crossed the border into Texas. We were so happy we had a little dance party under the welcome sign. At this time we only had a few hours till we hit Amarillo. Texas was so beautiful the land was so open and so clean. Aside from the few murder houses we passed, the state was amazing. The only problem we had while driving was the locusts. Do you know the statement “Everything is bigger in Texas.”? Well it’s true as we were speeding along we were hit by what at first we thought was a toddler from the car in front of us. It turns out it was a locust and the blood splatter was a little less than horrific. At one point in our trip we drove through a plague of locust and my front bumper was never the same.

It was 8pm and we were almost in Amarillo. We pulled over at the rest area before we hit the city to change clothes and freshen up. Our first stop in Amarillo was Cadillac Ranch. Story has it a millionaire who collected the high end cars passed and his children buried them nose deep standing up. Nowadays people go there to spray paint their names on one of the luxury cars. We arrived when it was pitch black. We armed ourselves with our flashlights and I had my taser prepared. We were in shorts and flip flops and as soon as we took that one step too far from the car we suddenly became aware that we were in said footwear and were surrounded my rattlesnake holes.

I am terrified of snakes let alone ones that can kill you. We walked hastily and carefully. It was so dark you could not see the Caddies until you were right on top of them. Yes, that was the scenario for acres and acres, and we walked through it in flip flops. The ground was littered with empty spray cans and plastic bags. Every time I heard a bag rustle in the wind, I sent a pray up, had a minor panic attack, and squeezed Carissa’s hand a little tighter. We etched our names into the cars and took plenty of pics then we realized we were not alone. There was some guy at the last car doing whatever, in our scared minds we thought he was preparing an alter to sacrifice us on.

Once we got safely, bite-free, back to our car we headed to the club area. In Amarillo there is no certain area for clubbing like Philly we had to go down side streets and almost on the outskirts to find the club. We walked in and it was dead, but the drinks were cheap and the music was good, so we stayed. About a half hour after we arrived this couple came in and took a spot next to the dance floor. The girl approached Carissa and asked her to join her on the dance floor since her boyfriend would not. Carissa immediately declined and turned her towards me. By this point in the night I was ready to dance. So I took her hand and I escorted her to the dance floor. This girl was already tipsy and she was wearing six inch heels. Thank God I know how to move on a dance floor, but really extra thanks that I have the strength to grab people before they hit the floor. Those shoes and her inebriation were not a good combo. Every other spin her ankles would wobble and I’d grab her in a way that it looked like a sweet move. The whole 10 people at the bar were quite impressed with our performance.

Then things started getting weird. I danced by my lonesome to a song and went into the restroom. I came out to see my Mini Me dancing to the song that I just danced to. He was about a foot and a half shorter than me, and oddly wearing the exact same blue shirt/white shorts combo from Old Navy.  As I walked back to the table there was a commotion at the door. Somehow a toad or two made their way into the bar. I’m not talking about ugly people, I mean real toad. Rib bit Rib bit!!! We took that as a sign to leave.

Being as classy as I am, I changed my outfit at the car in the parking lot. Good thing I had on my boxers that said “Shake it.” We began our drive to Albuquerque it was about four hours out and it was only 10pm. At one point in the final stretch we pulled over to admire the pure amazingness of a Texan sky at night. We were awestruck. The stars at night were truthfully big and bright deep in the heart of Texas. The only other times I have seen a sky like that where in a planetarium and watching Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel.

We were about thirty minutes from Albuquerque when we started looking for lodging. There were two hotels off the next exit we were going to check out, but they both had no vacancy. There was motel named Sunny Skies off the very next exit. We pulled in and pulled right out. There was no way we were staying there. It appeared as though Janet Lee would have been safer at Bates Motel than us if we stayed there. We finally found a Motel 6 two exits down and crashed for the night.

The next day we slept in a little bit and headed downtown to Rudy’s the best BBQ place in all of New Mexico. I made Carissa partake in a brisket sandwich. It was Heaven; their homemade sauce is to die for. After our lunch we hunted down the one thing I had to show her. Mind you I have been to Albuquerque quite a few times for business so I knew my way around the area. Just a few blocks away stood the World’s Largest Arrow. It sits in the middle of a Super Fresh parking lot and is about 300’ tall. I love kitsch things and this made my day. We gathered our memories and souvenirs and hopped back in the car and headed toward our middle destination, Los Angeles!!!

We had no idea what kind of storm laid ahead of us…

St. Louis and the Chair

Its 5am on July 12^th, I pull up to Carissa’s place and we load the car. Both of us are already so tired.  1) We don’t get up this early. 2) We both barely slept the night before in anticipation for this day. It had finally arrived! That was the day our cross country road trip to Los Angles began!!!

The morning was kind of uneventful, we stopped for coffee and bathroom breaks and that was it. Carissa and I talked about our plans for LA and listened to some awesome music. After hours and hours of driving, our first stop was Indianapolis to see “The Crooked House.” We drove around for an hour, got directions from 3 different people (all pointing us in the same direction), and we never found it! I am convinced it doesn’t exist.

About three hours later, we made it to our first over-night stop, St. Louis, MO. Sixteen hours of driving and we finally made it to the Gateway Arch. It was bigger than I had expected and it was a wonderful site as we were driving up to the city. IDK what’s wrong with me, I am just a goofball, but ever since the moment I knew I was going to St. Louis, I had in my head that I was going to dance under the Gateway Arch to “Meet Me In St. Louis” by Judy Garland. I was stoked about doing this and I was not going to let anything deter me. In my head I thought I was the coolest person ever, but I can see why others gave me “that look” when I told them my plans for the Arch.

When we arrived at the Arch, we parked right along the shores of the Mississippi River…or as we called it the Missippippi River. We paused to take a few minutes to dip our toes in the famous river.  After that I set up the camera stand and radio so we could film ourselves dancing under the Arch. Everyone around us was staring, but we didn’t care we did our thing and had fun doing it. Follow this link to laugh with/at me. https://www.facebook.com/mr.steve12#!/photo.php?v=10151135828509744

That night we were supposed to camp out in St. Louis, but we decided at hotel would be better. We checked into our room, exhausted. We each had a beer and turned on a SVU marathon. Well SVU marathons are never a good choice when trying to fall asleep. Dick Wolf always sucks you in!!! The next day we woke up early and had breakfast then ventured out toward our next stop, Amarillo, TX. About three hours into the drive we saw a sign that read: “World’s Largest Rocking Chair.”

I switched lanes immediately to get off the exit. Once off the exit we turned on to the Old Route 66 and about 5 miles up the road, in a clearing, in all its glory was the Rocking Chair. Standing at 42’ 4’’, it was breathtaking. It was attached to this little country shop appropriately named, Danny’s Gas Hole. The name in itself was enough for us to venture inside, but we were a little leery of the place. Being in the backwoods of America is always a little creepy. We were not prepared for the crazy, amazingness that waited for us inside.

The floors we all natural pine hardwood. The ceilings and walls were made of the same pine, but in a high gloss finish. The place had a touch of class to it even though the outside is very deceptive. It was beautiful inside. The only thing that was “off” about it was all the animal trophies that littered the store. They had grizzly bears in two corners, squirrels all over the place and posed in to ridiculous poses (ex. Golfing, canoeing, swimming, and tanning). There was a huge hornets’ nest on display and a giant zebra carcass on the ceiling. It was, as Ace Ventura would say, “a lovely room of death.”  It was a quickie mart, taxidermy shop, gas station, archery range, and then there was the liquor store.

This was like any other liquor except they had homemade moonshine on display…and there was a free tasting!!! Whose day just got better? OUR’S DID!!! The lady who ran the store was also the cashier and bartender for the morning. Yes, I said morning…it was roughly 10:30am. She told us a short story about moonshiners from the old days and cracked a few jokes as she prepared our shots. She was so cool she did not get offended when I started asking questions about how they prepared their moonshine. I literally asked her “Do you make this in your bathtub or a secret cellar under your barn?” She smiled and dodged the question by saying “Let’s keep a little mystery in the story.” That answer was good enough for me.

The first shot was plain moonshine. It was strong and tasted of rubbing alcohol. I’m sure my chest hair grew longer from the power of that first shot. Carissa was holding onto the counter catching her breath. When us mature adults regained our composure, we complimented her on the strength of that shot, and laughed a little uneasy laugh. We had to calm down for a few more seconds and she told us to go to the icebox and get a cola to wash it down with. When we returned she told us the next shot was cherry moonshine. It sounded delicious until I realized it was actual cherries soaked in the regular moonshine. The first shot was tough to take, but so much fun trying to keep down, and now it was that plus cherries. I am not a fan of cherries. I was nervous and started over thinking, but I said “When in Rome” and I popped it in my mouth and chewed like there was no tomorrow. Meanwhile, Carissa was enjoying her cherry as I was finishing up like my life depended on it.

After that second shot, we began to feel the effects. The laughter became more frequent, it felt like the temperature rose a few degrees, and I was swaying to the beat in my head. We thought we were done, but that wonderful lady surprised us with a third shot. We were both a little on edge and doubting the third shot since the first two’s taste was so strong. Well the lady convinced us the third is the best and everything would be fine after we took it. It was cinnamon apple. It was so warm and smooth going down. It was delicious!!! The taste was of an apple pie straight out of the oven. We had to buy a jar of it to take home. Well played lady well played!!!

After that third shot, we had to calm down so we did a little shopping. We bought Route 66 souvenirs for family and friends. We seriously contemplated trying archery for a hot minute. For the safety of others and ourselves we opted up. We also had a blast taking pics with every stuffed carcass that lined the walls of the store. We had a blast and before we left we took a picture of our wonderful bartender. We hopped back in the car at 11:30am and pressed onward to Amarillo, TX.

To Be Continued…

Naughty In Nashville

Where do I begin?

 Every year I work a major convention for my company. It’s always at a different venue, and this year it was in Nashville, TN. I have never been to Nashville and had it as a place to visit on my bucket list. I also have never gone on a vacation/trip with a friend.  My whole family was going, but at the last minute my sister had to stay behind to man the office. There was an opening and I begged my parents to let me bring a friend. So that’s how Anna Banana got invited. We planned for weeks and weeks. We saved up, organized our itinerary and mapped out all the cool sights to see…while making sure it worked around the conference schedule.

The day before we left, we found out that my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin were going to ride down with us, and we were going to drop them off in South Carolina so they could move their stuff out of storage to their new house in PA. We all convened at my parents’ house at 3am and loaded into the van. Those of you, who know me, know that I am happy-go-lucky 95% of the time. The other 5% is usually because I have not had enough sleep. Well Anna and I were dumb asses and decided to hangout the night before instead of sleep so we were tired. One thing you have to know about my Aunt is she is the loudest of all my relatives. She’s loving, funny, and happy like me, but damn she is loud!!! Maybe because she has 6 boys and a husband she has to yell over. Either way her voice is not meant to be stuck in a van with me at 3am. My little cousin, who is 21, is a goofball and loves to start trouble. Before we got out of Jersey, Anna and I had both had a headache, were felt up by my cousin, and had fallen asleep.

Just as I had dozed off completely Aunt Nee woke me up to ask (in a very loud voice) “How about you all come to my house for Thanksgiving dinner?” I said OK and Anna jumped up in a daze and asked in an all too serious, whiny voice: “Why are you yelling?” and fell right back to sleep. That was at 3:45am. We were able to catch some Z’s, but by 6am we were up for the rest of the trip. We did your typical dorky road trip stuff. We sang, talked, played the license plate game, read, and were felt up multiple times by my cousin. (Let me clarify this was not sexual, just annoying.) He and Anna thought it was hilarious. I however really hate being touched if it’s unnecessary or not intimate.

Time flew, next thing you know we were pulling up at the storage unit in South Carolina. My Dad rented the U-Haul and we were about to load it up, but not before we ran into a couple problems. First we couldn’t open the door because everything shifted during the earthquake a month prior. We were able to prop it open just wide enough to send my cousin inside to push the boxes back. After he shimmied in, he was relatively quick in getting the door open. We threw open the U-Haul’s door and as soon as Dad grabbed the first box, it down poured! Drenched, we worked as fast and as efficient as we could. Within an hour and a half, we had the truck loaded and were on our way to a warm meal.

We settled on Ryan’s Buffet (one of the best buffets in the South) and had a wonderfully, put-it-all-out-there gay waiter that made everyone at the table uncomfortable except for Anna and me, who kept chuckling every time someone became a little uneasy. After stuffing our faces on that delicious food, we found a room for the night and passed out.

The next morning we were up at 5am and said our goodbyes to Aunt Nee, Christian, and Uncle Steve. Now it was just the 4 of us and we were finally headed to Nashville, but not without stopping at Krispy Kreme for a sugar-filled donut. We arrived in N-ville just around lunch. We were all hungry so I looked to my trusty handmade guide to see which places I had listed for a quick lunch. Bar-Ba-Cutie came up on the list. It was a kitsch little building with a giant cowgirl sign welcoming you in.  It was definitely delicious…for fast food BBQ. The brisket tasted like heaven and the multiple sauces were to die for. Like all fast food, by the time we got to the hotel, we were paying for it.

We checked in to the hotel and the rents called it a night, but Anna and I had to get dressed and ready because we were meeting our friend Jenda and her boyfriend, Derek. It was the Saturday before Halloween so we planned on hitting at least one bar, but not before we saw as many wonderful sites as N-ville had to offer. We got to see the sculpture of polar bears in a snowball fight, a catfish dressed as a boy scout, and trees shaped as bison!!! Who knew N-ville was so cool? We headed downtown and got to see this huge statue called Musica. It was a beautifully crafted stone statue of pagan people dancing to music. We also stumbled onto a very large rooster, which of course Derek and I had to “compare” sizes with it. And as a special treat from the universe to me, we saw a studio where Gladys Knight and Elvis had both recorded records.

Before we hit the club, we toured the Charlie Daniels’ Museum, caught a glimpse of the dancers in Coyote Ugly, went to a hookah bar, and made a few friends. We eventually settled on a karaoke bar, which I of course had to sing Proud Mary. As we were waiting for my named to be called, and as we were slinging back Snake Bite shots, I realized that every single person singing was amazing!!! Like American Idol Winner good. At one point (two songs before I went on) the bartenders and waitresses sang a group song together and WOW is all I have to say. Well after a shot of liquid encouragement, I was up on stage rockin’ out and do-do-doing my thing. Half the crowd cheered the other half was too drunk to notice I was singing. Of course my wonderful friends were cheering me on like they were my groupies. Afterward we danced the night away and went unconscious as soon as our heads hit the pillow.

The next day was Sunday, and my rents and I took Anna to church and from what I remember, the message was very uplifting. Once church was finished, we all met my Mom’s cousin, Rosemarie for lunch. After lunch we headed to President Jackson’s plantation. This was one of my favorite things we did on the whole trip. We got to tour his HUGE mansion, the kitchen, the help quarters, and all of his fields. I know some of you may think this would be boring, but shut up and wait till I get to the good part. The BEST THING about the plantation was it had a huge cotton field, and YES, I got to pick cotton!!! It was amazing! I had a blast, I tied a scarf around my head and picked away while singing “Pick a Bail of Cotton.”  I was having a blast until the closed petals, started stabbing me. Holy cow, I had no clue cotton had stickers on them; no wonder the slaves hated their masters. Cotton picking was so easy until your hand started to bleed, but I picked away. I learned so much that day, and had so much fun, and I can now say I am an official cotton picker. I have so many pics of this…literally one of my favorite memories from life.

Later on that night we went to Conway Twitty’s estate to sit for a taping of Solid Rock’s Country Christmas Special. Afterwards we toured his beautiful estate. It was decorated with millions of Christmas lights, and there were flowers upon flowers everywhere. Gazeboes popped up every few yards, and there was even a running creek through the middle of the place. It was a winter wonderland even though it was 60* outside.  Once we finished the tour, Ro took us to the Grand Ole Opry. It was closed, but we were able to get some good shots outside and inside the main foyer.

The next day was set up for the convention. The four of us arrived at the convention center and our crates were nowhere in sight. We had shipped the crates weeks prior as we always do, but there was a mix up and they “couldn’t find it.” I have never raised so much hell. (Except that one time I ordered Peppermint Hot Chocolate and there was no peppermint in my cocoa.) We stayed at the convention center twiddling our thumbs till 3pm when the booth finally showed up. In all the history of my convention working, I never erected the booth as fast as that day in Nashville. We were done in less than an hour then we finally ventured out to grab some grub. Margaritaville was the restaurant of choice. Anna and I shared a Taco Tower which was a bit overwhelming. Made up of two bags of tortilla chips, the tower stood two feet high with nothing but cheese and refried beans gluing it together. Not, thinking we both went for a center piece…the tower almost toppled, but the look on our faces and laughter was priceless.

After the early dinner we headed back to the convention center for an opening ceremonies/Halloween party.  It was nice, a few finger foods, dancing and free drink tickets! As a special treat, AVS hired country singer, Kinsey Rose to perform at the soirée. My parents needed some rest after the exhausting two days, so they left, but Anna and I stayed and called Jenda to hang out. After all it was Halloween (the first ever I celebrated away from home) and it was the last time to have some fun before the business week began.

First stop was an old record shop where the country singers of the 40s and 50s used to record their records. Then it was on to Printer’s Alley where the first newspaper of Nashville was printed. Well I thought it would be a historical, learning site…I was wrong. Although a historical site, it was now revamped into nothing but a long strip of karaoke clubs…HEAVEN!!! All the buildings were fashioned as the ones you would see in the French Quarter of New Orleans. The very first sign we saw was advertising “Nude Karaoke.” Ok, so I figured it would be strippers singing for an audience…I already had the script written for Lifetime…boy was I wrong. Anyone who wanted to sing had to strip down as they sang. I, loving crazy life experiences, wanted to try it out, but I am also a very modest man and we passed on it. But hey way to be exhibitionists, Nashvillites.

We skipped out on karaoke because we were afraid we might end up dead in that alley if we let loose. So we asked a few people where the good clubs were and they all sent us across town. We found free parking and there was no cover. So far the night was looking better.  We entered the bar and it was a crazy costume party, and we three were the only ones not dressed up. Well I am always great at spinning situations to my advantage, and since I was wearing new kicks and a red flannel I convinced half the bar I was dressed up as a lesbian. Hahahaha!!! We made a few friend out of Quailman, Might Mouse, Spok , a scarecrow, and some girl dressed up as Christina Ricci from Pan Am. (Truth be told it looked like she ate Christina Ricci and tried on her clothes out of some sick pleasure she got from killing a victim.) We had a blast drinking, laughing, making new friends, and dancing.

I had to take a pee break and when I came back there was this guy and his entourage chatting it up with Anna and Jenda. I came over to see what was going on…mainly I didn’t want the girls to abandon me. I got over there and Anna has her arm around this guy as Jenda is chatting up his friends and the guy is signing magazine covers saying he’s famous and he loves them. We were all too tipsy to believe anything and I had to applaud the guy for that “come on” technique. Hell when I meet strangers I say I’m famous too.  He bought all of us two rounds of drinks and we all chit chatted for an hour or so then the guys had to leave. Before they left Jenda had to get pics of our new friends. I snapped a few of the girls and Jared, and then he turned to me and asked if I wanted a pic. What the hell why not? He was cool and bought us drinks so of course I’ll take a pic. As he walked out, Drunk Anna took over Banana’s body, and she grabbed him by the shirt and told him to stay with her right before she gave him a peck. SIDE NOTE: This was so hot to watch in action. We laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of the night.

We had Jenda drop us off at the hotel and that’s when we realized we were starving!!! Drunk munchies hit us so hard, we walked about a third of a mile down to the Waffle House. Mind you the road we walked down was probably set at an 80* angle. Once in the Waffle House it took us all but 2 seconds to order our meal. Waffles...DUH!!! Then the giggle set it. We could not control ourselves. Reminiscing about the past few days had us all riled up. I took over the jukebox and for some reason I played “Wind Beneath My Wings. “ I forgot I requested that song, and we had just calmed down when it started playing. We giggled for a second at the amazingness of my choice. Then out of nowhere, totally blind siding us, the older white waitress (50) and the young black waiter (19) started belting that song out to the top of their lungs. Stunned, Anna and I could do nothing but laugh and applaud them. That was the icing on the cake for a wonderful evening.

The next day it was business time. The fun had to come to an end. Dad and I handled the show while Mom and Anna had time to wonder around the city. Around noon my phone kept ringing. I was busy with a couple customers at the time, but as soon as I could, I called Anna back. She was so wired and was speaking way faster than she normally does. Here she was reading the magazine Jared signed for her and here he was like a D-List celebrity. His name was Jared Allman and he did a few shows on the Sundance Channel. We actually met and partied with a celebrity!!! Who knew?

All in all the week was very exciting, and the convention was very lucrative. It will be a memory I will forever laugh at. Even though I hate most things country, I loved Nashville and can’t wait to return.

The End of Sober September

Goodbye Sober September!!! Hello Not-So-Sober October!!!

Well I did it, and it was quite easy. With the exception of one special occasion, I stayed sober all through September. I have stayed true to my diet and exercise. I slimmed down 20lbs and 20 inches. I look and feel amazing. This month has been a roller coaster of cray, and like an adult I have handled it all without alcohol. Now I will be keeping true to my diet and exercise, but I cannot wait to try some of that new pumpkin pie vodka!!!

New blogs to be coming this week. Sorry for the hiatus.

Tsunami Survivor

(This poem came to me after a very vivid dream.)

 

The day is clear.
In the market we walk.
Suddenly distant screams,
Animals are fleeing,
A wall of blue is headed our way.

Running,

I grab my friend’s hand.
Legs at full speed,
Lungs are burning.

Blue surrounds us.
I lose grip,
Ripped apart,
We never see each other again.

Soaked,
Being tossed around.
I try.
I can’t.

Life before my eyes,
Darkness.
A dream,
Pressure on my chest,
A lover’s kiss,
Air fills my lungs once more.

Daylight,
A Good Samaritan.
Life.
Salvation.

Sober Sept Update

So it is 6 whole days into Sober September, which is cool because I've gone longer without. But this past weekend is the first in such a long time that I did not have a drink. I am having a blast enjoying life. I have more stamina, I am waking up earlier...naturally, and I have already shed 5lbs. I'm on vaycay in Ocean City, NJ and just because I am on vaycay, doesn't mean I am sticking to my old ways. I have made smarter food choices (except for Promenade Pizza..the best on the boardwalk), been exercising, and damn those waves have been giving me a good pounding.

Next week I will be back in the gym and on the dance floor. Also Monday I start my boxing classes and I am so stoked...for the first time ever I am actually gun ho about getting my fat ass in shape. I plan to drop 20lbs by the middle of October, and be looking amazing for my birthday come December.

Wish me luck, and push me not to quit!!!

Once In A BLUE MOON

I am so stoked for tonight!!! Tonight is a blue moon, and if you don't know what a blue moon is, it is the second full moon in a month...not the color blue. It's also a delicious beer. This is where the term "once in a blue moon" came from, and to honor the blue moon, I am going to do something I haven't done in a while.

Tonight I am hanging out with friends I haven't seen in forever. I also joined a gym...to get my ass in shape. I am also taking a break from drinking for the entire month of Sober September. I also started going back to my ballroom dance lessons, and I started a boxing class. I am doing all this not only to honor the blue moon, but to get myself healthy.

I challenge each of you to doing something you have been wanting to do, but let the opportunity slip by. Do something fun. Do something for someone. Do something for yourself. After all this open window only comes around ONCE IN A BLUE MOON!!!

Sober September

Hello All,

Sober September has been a tradition for me for four years, and I want to invite you to join me this year. Much like Lent, I give up alcohol for the 30 days of September. Its fun last year I did nothing else, but give up drinking and lost 19lbs. Well this year is different. Due to all the life changes I have run into this year, I am not only giving up my beloved rum, but I am exercising (for the first time in a long time), eating healthy, and taking my vitamins.

September 1st is the kickoff to a whole new me. Sobered up and working out, my goal is to shed 60-70lbs...not in the month of September. Hopefully this Sober September will push me towards a better, healthier lifestyle.

Don't worry I'm not an alcoholic, I just do this for fun, and I think my liver deserves a nice vaycay. But, when October hits, I would like you all to join me in a toast to sobriety and healthy living. Also just because I won't drink this month, does not mean I can't go dancing! I am a very strong willed man and that won't phase me in the least. Plus I love to get my swerve on!!!

BTW when No-So-Sober October hits, I plan to be at least 20lbs down so try to keep your hands off me. :-)

"May the odds be ever in your favor."

Steve

Under Construction

This blog and my life was put on hold this week and will be under construction for the rest of the weekend. See you on Monday!!! Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Vitamin F

(borrowed from an unknown source, but I mean every word of it!!!)

Why do I have a variety of friends who are all so different in character?

How can I get along with them all?

I think that each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me. With one of them I am polite. I joke with another friend. I sit down and talk about serious matters with one. With another I laugh a lot. I may have a drink (or 5) with one. I listen to another friend's problems. Then I listen to another one's advice for me. My friends are all like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. When completed, they form a treasure box. A treasure of friends!

They are my friends who understand me better than myself, who support me through good days and bad days. We all pray together and for each other. Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health. Dr.. Oz  calls them Vitamins F (for Friends) and counts the benefits of friends
as essential to our well being. Research shows that people in strong social circles have less risk of
depression and terminal strokes.. If you enjoy Vitamins F constantly you can be up to 30 years younger than your real age. The warmth of friendship stops stress and even in your most intense moments it decreases the chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%.

I'm so happy that I have a stock of Vitamins F.! In summary, we should value our friends and keep in touch with them. We should try to see the funny side of things and laugh together, And pray for each other in the tough moments.

Thank you for being one of my Vitamins!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Jury Duty

SUCKS!!!

OMG this week I am stuck at jury duty. No computers or phones allowed...so basically I am literally dying of boredom.

To look on the positive side of things, they did not need me Monday. Today I had to go in, but it was up against a sexual offender...and you all know how I feel about THOSE PEOPLE!!! Don't get me wrong I am single and a little sexual assault at the office or the club is always welcome. JK!!! But, to rape anybody or molest a child is a major No!! NO!!!

The judge babbled on about the case which only made my bias towards the guy grow stronger. He was just lounging back in his office chair, rolling his eyes, and it ticked me off! At one point he spun around and looked us all in the face, and at that second I knew he was guilty. I worked in a sexual offender wing in a psych ward for a couple years. I know that "crazy eye" look. If you don't know what I am talking about look at the Colorado shooter.

Anyhoo the judge made us come up one by one and we stated why we couldn't serve. I simply said "I used to work in a sexual offender's ward, and it would NOT bode well with the defendant if I were on the jury." DISMISSED!!!

Hopefully I won't have to go in the rest of the week, but if I do I hope I get a good case. Fingers crossed!!!

Daily Inspiration- How To Stay Young

HOW TO STAY YOUNG (Borrowed this from someone)

1.  Try everything twice.
 
On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
"Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"

2.  Keep only cheerful friends.
   
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning: 

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...
Never let the brain get idle.
'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
   
4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long    and loud.
   
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM /HER.

6. The tears happen:

Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
LIVE while you are alive.
   
7. Surround yourself with what you love:
 
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
   
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
 
9. Don't take guilt trips..

Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is..

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
   
I love you, my special friend.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry.

You might not get a second chance..
   
12. Share this with someone.

Remember! Lost time can never be found.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

She Did What???

OK this is one of my favorite/worst stories of all time. I am going to tell you about the night I learned how to do the Cupid Shuffle.

It happened a few years ago when I was a junior in college. I had stayed in VA for the summer to take extra courses. This particular week was crazy. I had just gotten off work and it was the shift from hell. (http://sharinglaughs.blogspot.com/2012/06/shift-from-hell.html) So I decided to go back to the dorm, shower, and grab a drink. I guess my roomie was still at work, so I didn't wait for him. Mind you, I went to Liberty University and Lynchburg is a super dry town. There was only one bar within an hour drive. Its name was Rubbs. In the day it was a biker bar, in the afternoon it was a middle age-ish bar, and at night us 20-somethings took it over.

So anyway, alone, I venture out to Rubbs. I parked behind the place in the "employee parking lot" which was reserved for LU students to hide their cars from campus authority. So I walk in, it’s roughly 11:30pm and it’s dead. I sit at the bar and Molly, the hottie bartender, comes right up to keep me company. Side Note: We were both prayer leaders on our hall at the time. There was Molly and I, the cook, two guards, a DJ, two older guys and this hillbilly chick and this guy, Dave, Molly and I befriended in the bar.

A couple drinks in, the laughter and storytelling starts. The music was just getting good, and for those of you who know me, I love to dance. Then these two beautiful, black women walked in. I find out later they are niece and aunt. Well I order another drink and I am itching to get out on the floor and dance. Molly sees me fidgeting, and she, along with Dave, convince me to go ask the girls to dance.

Nervous, I take a sip and tell the guys "I'm going over there." But before I made my move, I told Dave "If I start to dance with that hillbilly come get me." I then turned to Molly and said "If I start dancing with that hillbilly chick flag me." They laughed and rudely pushed me toward the floor.

Let me give you some background on this hillbilly chick. She was probably in her early 30's, but she had meth face and looked like she was in her late 40's. She had straggly, bleach-blonde hair and from what I could see she only had a 1/2 of tooth in her whole mouth. She had track marks all up her legs and arms. Lastly she was wearing this neon pink outfit. The top looked like a sports bra and she had matching skin tight booty shorts and pink sneakers to match. This would have looked good, but she also had a little bit of a gut...and by little I mean it covered the entire front of those booty shorts she was trying to pull off. Hence this is why I wanted Dave to come get me and Molly to flag me.

So I went over to talk to the ladies, I asked them if they wanted to dance. Since I was the only guy on the floor I spun them both around the floor. (Yes, I have swag.) We danced for about two songs when the niece turned to me all excited and announce that her and her aunt were going to teach me the Cupid Shuffle. I had no clue how to do it, but I am a good student and caught on fast. The niece occupied my front as the aunt occupied my back, and we went down down and did our thing.

The DJ played the song again this time so we could really jam out to it. So still in the same position, a few bars into the song the aunt pulls a "reach around" and grabs my junk, well, thinking this is a sign I slide my hand to her backside. The second I touched her ass she shoves me away and starts screaming like a crazy woman. The one bouncer comes over and is asking what happened. The lady kept screaming and I said "She grabbed so I grabbed." I apologized and the woman, still screaming, grabbed her niece and they left.

The song was still playing, so I turned around and began to finish the dance. When I turned around, there she was in all her glory, the hillbilly. I know it went against everything I had stated no more than 5 minutes prior, but what the hell I had a minute or two left of the song and it was over. Well we did the moves and we decided to jazz up the "walk it by yourself" part. We got in real close and shimmied our way to the next position.

I don't know why, but we stayed in position and continued to dance with a full embrace. We went down down and did our thing and that is when it happened. All of the sudden I felt warmth on my knee and down my leg. The chick drops to the ground and starts crying, saying "I thought I could hold it till the end of the song. I thought I could hold it till the end of the song!" I am in disbelief as the bouncer comes running over. The bouncer is yelling "STEVE! It hasn't even been a minute. What the hell is wrong with you? What happened this time?"

In disbelief, I look down and my pants and my jeans are soaked. I looked the bouncer dead in the eyes and said "The bitch pissed on me!" The bouncer finally came to and realized what the hell was going on and escorted the chick to the bathroom as I sloshed over to the bar to grab my coat. Dave greeted me with a high five and a huge smile asking "What the hell did you do?" Molly came over and asked "What the hell's going on?" All I could do is look down at my pants and say "The bitch pissed on me!" They died laughing.

Dave and Molly both offered to buy me a drink. I declined and said good night and walked out. The bouncer at the door asked "Dude where you going? It's only midnight." Midnight? All this happening in 30 minutes??? All I could do was look at my pants and tell him "Dude I got pissed on!" He laughed and wished me luck.

I drove straight back to the dorm and my roomie was there waiting for me. He took one look at my pants and cracked up. I simply said "Some bitch pissed on me!!!" I hopped in the shower and the last thing I saw was my amazing roomie taking my jeans to the washer.

This is my life. I told you to hold on for the ride!!!

I Believe In Mythology

Mythology is a huge part of my family's tradition. For generations, stories have been passed down. I love believing in the stories, it let's me know there is something more to grasp for in this world. I myself believe I am a descendant of a mythological creature. Don't get your panties in a bunch, it's a cool story and it coincides with my individuality.

In Irish folklore, by the way I'm 75% Irish, there is a creature called a Selkie. A Selkie is a supernatural seal of sorts that when it came on land, it would shed it's fur coat and become human. The coat in turn resembled a fur blanket. Well, according to legend, there was a huge oil spill in the 1800's around Ireland which forced the Selkies on land. Back then there was no way to clean up the oil as fast as we can today, so the Selkies ended up marrying humans and settling down. Eventually this led to their extinction. Tradition says they only "proof" left that Selkies ever existed is that their sons and great-grandsons have webbed toes. Well ladies and gents, I have webbed toes, along with my uncles, great-uncles, and male cousins and that there is proof enough for me.

Now, as my followers you should already know that I believe in God. That is not open for discussion I have my reasons for my beliefs and you have yours. End of story. Anyhoo I was watching an episode of True Blood, when one of the characters stated "Why don't you people [Christians] believe, we [mythological creatures] are all mentioned in your Bible." Well that made me think. I know its a TV show and I know my Bible very well, but I decided to check the facts, just for fun. I spent days searching the concordance, reading verses (in context), and comparing note with other various books, all I can say is WOW!!! My mind was blown. Here is what I've found...so far.

We all know the Bible has God and the Devil, Angels and Demons, Giants (Goliath) and Dragons, but here is a small list of mythological creatures I have found that are mentioned in the Bible.

1. Shape Shifter (Nebuchadnezzar)- Daniel 3
2. Sea Monsters (Leviathan)- Job 3:8 and various other verses in Job and Isaiah
3. Witches (Witch of Endor)- 1 Samuel 28
4. Ghosts (Samuel)- 1 Samuel 28
5. Giants- Genesis 6
6. Dragons- Various verses throughout Nehemiah, Psalms, and Isaiah
7. Cockatrice- Isaiah and Jeremiah
8. Unicorns- Numbers 23:22, Deuteronomy 33:17, and Job 39
9. Gryphon- Leviticus 11:13
10. Satyrs- Isaiah 13:21, 34:14

The Bible states that "even a child can understand it [Bible]." I believe the Bible to be entirely true, and meant to coincide with the present time, and if I believe in this why can't I let my imagination run wild and believe in something a little more folklore-ish? I will keep my imagination thriving, and will consider these passages, as of this moment, to have blown my mind, and made me think twice about some of the stories I was told as a child. Don't think I'm crazy for writing about this, but I see it as the Bible just preserving and making us remember our age of innocence.

Yay! Mythology is so much fun!!!

Iceman

This past week I enjoyed a marvelous vaycay (stories to come later). I also took a chance on something and started standing up for myself for the first time in my life. I am on a take-no-crap-from-anybody kick. All my life I have let people control me and beat me down, but not anymore!!! I have risen above and taken control of my life. Who knew I would enjoy my crazy wonderful life even more now that I'm in control? As Charlie Sheen would say "WINNING!!!"

Now everything comes with a price. I started saying "no" and now the universe has given me a really bad week riddled with the oddest bad luck streak I've ever had. First, on my way home from vaycay, my car was killed by a rock. Second, the day after I get home I hear my dear Aunt Pat, who is suffering from cancer, took a major turn for the worse. Now, today, my rental car decided to stop at the gas station and play games. For some reason it would not drive. I would shift gears and drive in reverse, but damn it, it would not drive forward. I reversed all the way into a parking spot got out to look under the hood. I ended up burning the crap out of my hands because something startled me. Just as I was about to give up, I looked up to the sky and asked "Why isn't it raining?" and God thought that question was so funny He let it pour. FML!

After help arrived I learned that the car wouldn't drive because I still had the damn emergency break on. My brain has been so frazzled this week dealing with family/friend issues, catching up on work, dealing with AAA, and trying to find a new car  I feel as though I may go crazy. Just as I think I cannot take anymore, Hell throws me another fireball and just like Iceman in X-Men, I freeze them suckers and bat them out of the park. Bring it! I can take anything, and still do it with a smile on my face!!!

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't no one gonna slow me down. OH NO!!! I got to keep on moving."

Goodbye Rosey

I remember the day I brought my baby home from the dealership. She was in pristine condition; white as a cotton ball with soft, comfortable interior.  We did everything together. We went to work, church, and parties together. We shared long naps and quiet drives all over the country. I named her Rosemary after the song “Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes.” She was wonderful! We road tripped as North as New Hampshire, as South a Kentucky, as West as L.A, and as East at the Jersey Shore. She was my baby, my partner in crime.

We shared so many memories. She protected my life more than once. Busses hit us, drunk drivers hit us, and we slipped and slid into tree trunks and fire hydrants together. We ate meals together. (I’d give her some oil or gas while pulled over for a quick lunch.) We belted out music like no other duo ever could!!! We flew through yellow lights, and managed to get out of every speeding ticket we were ever pulled over for. Her doors would block me from traffic’s view if I had to attend to nature’s call on the side over the road. And every morning I would slap her ass and say “Let’s go!”

My friends loved her. She carted us from city to city, with always an enjoyable spirit. She was always filled with amazing tunes. AND she always smelled like a party, yet still kept it classy clean. Ahh, my Rosey was the best. She saw the best, the worst and sexiest sides of my friends and me.

Sadly my Rosey passed away 650 miles away from home. We had just celebrated her 100,000^th mile mark on this trip. She was in the final stretch of her last road trip when a rock flew up from the road and pierced her heart. With one last exhale, my Rosey drifted to the center of I-80 in Mokena, IL and slowly closed her eyes and drifted off to the great highway in the sky. Upset, I hugged her and begged her not to die. When we arrived at the mechanics, I was told there was nothing they could do. She was gone. With my eyes welling up, for old time sake, I gave her one last slap on her ass and said “Good game!!!”

Announced!!!

Sorry for the delay in blogs, but I was on vaycay making new memories to share with you. Here is a list of upcoming blogs.

1. Nashville
2. The Way Out
3. Los Angeles
4. The Way Back
5. Goodbye Rosey
6. April Fools

Be patient, and I promise these will make you laugh.

Sydney Barry's Obituary

During my years as an actor, I kept a journal on each character I played. At the end of each play, my acting coach made me write an obituary for the character. Below is my favorite obit. I have written. It is for Sydney Barry from California Suite. Enjoy.

Sydney Barry's Obituary

On Tuesday May 11, 2010 Sydney Barry passed away. He was a beloved friend and husband. He worked most of his life as an antique dealer in London. He met his wife, Oscar nominee, Diana Barry during a play in college. They were inseparable and looked like the perfect couple. The London police, however, have started and investigation into his death. When his body was found, his eyes were gauged out and he appeared to be strangled by a chiffon sash, much like the one Mrs. Barry wore to the Oscars that previous Sunday. When the police found her, she was covered in blood screaming “I saw you lick the artichoke!!!” Officials still do not know what this means, but by the appearance in which they found Mr. and Mrs. Barry, they are holding Mrs. Diana Barry for the murder of Mr. Sidney Barry.

The Sun Is Shining Come On Get Happy

What makes you happy? As I have said many times before I live with an eternal optimism. I am always happy. Why you may ask? No it’s not a chemical imbalance. It’s a choice. I choose to put a smile on my face every day. Even if it starts out fake, once I power through I am good to go. If I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I turn on “Dog Days Are Over,” and by the end of the song my landlord is knocking at my door asking me to be quiet. I highly suggest if ever you wake up in a terrible mood, try singing in the shower. SIDE NOTE: Do not sing or try to dance to Single Ladies. You will fall out of the shower, rip your curtain down, hit your head on the sink, and become semi-unconscious on the floor with your bare ass hanging out! True story.

I challenge you to take in the little things around you like a fresh breeze, a day without humidity, the smell of your morning coffee.  I read an article once on the difference between Optimists and Pessimists. The only difference, so the article said, was optimists notice little things that pessimists do not. After contemplating that I realized it’s true. I love the grass in between my toes, or the guy at Dunkin Donuts who says “Hey Buddy” when I walk in. Optimists simply take pleasure in the little things and pessimists rarely do. 

Another thing this article mentioned was pessimists are too absorbed with all their negativity that they do not care to go out of their way to meet new people. I on the other hand am a social butterfly. I have an amazing life and am 99% happy all the time, but people enrich my life and I love nothing more than making people smile. It’s one of those “little things” I take pleasure in.

Open yourself up and stop to smell the roses. Once you do, you will feel more fulfilled, which in turn will make you a happier person. Some of my pessimistic friends do not understand why I am so outgoing nor have so many true friends. I in turn tell them it just makes me happy, and it gives me perks. Not monetary perks, but friendly perks. Suzie will let me sing my karaoke song before the others do or I’ll walk into the piano bar and Dena will begin to play Bad Romance or Kevin sings “Hello Steven” as I enter, or Will and Ashley simply calling me Mr. Sunshine makes me smile and all those people are just a small part of my night, but they put me in that great mood I love to be in.

Taking pleasure in the little things gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t go around killing other people. Remember that. J

 “Forget your troubles

Come on get happy

You better chase all you care away

Shout hallelujah

Come on get happy

Get ready for the judgment day

The sun is shining

Come on get happy

The lord is waiting to take your hand

Shout hallelujah

Come on get happy

We're going to the Promised Land” –Judy Garland

Follow This Link To Put A Smile On Your Face: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2U-rBZREQMw

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!

End of an Era

All good things must come to an end. The reign of a great pastor, a 60 some year marriage, FRIENDS, a great meal, or even a friendship, all must end sooner or later. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and having that belief has helped me immensely over the years. Am I saddened by the loss of these things? Sure. Do I deal with it and move on? Of course. This week I lost a close friend of mine, but I guess it was just meant to be. After years of memories (mostly good), we had to go our separate ways…for my sake and sanity. I wish this person well and will always have fond memories and will not let our last words define the relationship. The ending came out of pettiness, but I am tired of bending to that person’s will and being interrogated each time we see each other, being asked the same questions over and over again while expecting a different answer each time.

I am growing up and moving on with my life. This does not mean I don’t love you anymore, it means I need to be there for myself, you’re an adult its time you stop using your muscle to get what you want and start taking responsibility for your actions.

Who knows, down the road we may be friends again, but until that time you will always have a place in my heart. You know what to do if you want to be a part of my life again.

We wore each other out.

OMG 30 Is Right Around The Corner

So I have always been aware of what my next birthday will be and how many years I have left for each milestone, but last Thursday it finally hit me! I will be 30 in two years!!! TWO YEARS!!! I have so much to do before my youth dies. I will always feel young and have my zest for life, but wow it’s time to grow up, and I have so little time left to check off some major things I would like to have done by 30.

So far, I have lived an amazing life. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and millions of great memories. I have read more books than most people. I have surrounded myself with so many great people from so many walks of life. I am an accomplished world traveler. I speak English and Spanish fluently, and I know Sign. I have volunteered extensively and donated plenty.  I have been in love. I have checked off over 50% of my bucket list already. I have made people happy.

Now before I am 30 I would like to have a few things done. I want to travel more. I want to perfect my French. I want to bed a ginger. I want to be in a relationship that lasts longer than 6 months. I want to establish a savings account. I want to be successful at something I love. I want to be debt free. I want to live some place that is not Jersey. I want to be in the best shape of my life. I want my life to be infused with more awesomeness.

I have cut back on alcohol consumption. I have begun to change my daily diet. I have quit some bad habits. I have begun to exercise more. That is just the beginning. I have so much more to do to accomplish these goals, and believe me they will be completed before 12/12/14!!!

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

Inspiration

What inspires you? A song? A movie? A friend? A quote? Inspiration can make one drastically change thier life or make a simple dicision. What inspires you? Whatever it is take it and run with it. If you are inspired to do something do it! Don't think twice about it (unless is life-harming). My inspiration for the day is a movie quote from the cartoon, Cats Don't Dance:

"They can smash your cookie, but you'll always have your fortune."

That quote in itself has gotten me through many a tough time. Take what inspires you and run with it. You can do anything you put your mind to.

Be blessed today and search for your inspiration.

Food For Thought

I love love love the summer breeze, as it blows the flowers gently side to side, as if they are dancing. I read a tatoo on a young womans arm that read "nothing is sacred" and it made me sad. God and everything He created is sacred, and I felt him against my face, gently blowing today...

Stewart's With Grandpa

It’s the thought that counts, right? I remember the last thing I ever did with my Grandpa before he died.

It was a hot summer day. Dad was at work and Mom and Mandi were fighting as usual. Grandpa had just arrived for his annual visit. He and I were sitting in my living room discussing the TV show we had watched the night before. (“E! 100 Hottest Celebs”)

I remember that night as clear as a cloudless day. Grandpa came downstairs and sat next to me on the couch. I was watching “E! 100 Hottest Celebs.” The show was almost over; we were waiting for them to reveal the number one spot. Beyoncé had the hottest body of all! When they flashed her picture up on the screen, all I heard was my Grandpa say “Mmm!” I turned and just stared in amazement. He looked at me and said “What you know who your Grandmother is.” Oh my I could not believe he had said that, I must have laughed so hard for about ten minutes straight. I had tears pouring out of my eyes. That had to be one of the funniest things I have ever heard him say. While reminiscing about the previous night, we were interrupted with the yells and screams coming from upstairs. Grandpa leaned over and said “Let’s get out of here.” So we did.

Grandpa was always up for a snack so we went to one of his favorite places: Stewart’s! We pulled into the drive-in and a waitress ran up to our window. She asked for our order and Grandpa blurted it out, without even asking what I wanted. He said, “I want two root beers, and two hotdogs with mustard and relish, one for me and one for my Grandson.” RELISH?!?!?!? What was he thinking? Eww, I hate relish!!! He looked at me and said “What?” I told him I didn’t like relish and he laughed and said “Everyone likes relish.” I could not say a word. He was my grandfather whom I loved to death and I would do anything for him.

The waitress came back to our car with our order. I did a double take at the relish then looked at my Grandpa. Right there I knew that he just wanted to be with me; spend some time with me. So since I loved him so much, I sucked it up and ate the relish. It was so hard to get down, but every time I looked over and saw my Grandpa smiling; I forced it down.

We repeated this routine every day for the rest of his stay. (6 Days) Never have I ever eaten that much dill. I was sick to my stomach the entire week, but I will never forget the seven days’ worth of quality time spent with my Grandpa. He died three months later. (I believe Grandma poisoned him, but that’s another story.) As sad as I was, all I could think about at the funeral were those trips to Stewarts. Then it dawned on me…NO MORE RELISH EVER!!! Although I stay as far away from pickles as I can, every time I eat a hotdog, or drink root beer, or pass a Stewarts, I think of my wonderful Grandpa and how much he meant to me. I was truly blessed to have him in my life. I know one day I will meet up with him again and share two hotdogs…with relish.

The End

An Award Winning Monologue

One of my favorite things to do is to come up with random stories based what I see in painting, pics, or life. I also enjoy making up stories with different quotes and/or songs. Here is my favorite.

Steve's Monologue

Based on the painting:

A Grotesque Old Woman

There are three roles for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. My life has been very fulfilling as I have, throughout the years, been able to play all these roles. But before I leave this life, I want my story to be told so without further ado, here is my story.

My name was Lola, yes I was a show girl, but that was 50 years ago when they used to have a show and when I used to have a body. I was one of the best. I was a huge star not as big as Fred or Ginger, but my fans loved me. While Betty Davis was probably lying and Greta Garbo was probably crying with Robert Taylor locked in her dying embrace, I was with Chico, Groucho, Chaplain and Lloyd who were all super, and I loved sweet Mickey Mouse, Shirley Temple, and dear Jackie Cooper. I kept up with the best and all that jazz. Mmm so many memories. That truly was the time of my life, I had great friends, a disposable account, and because we were living in a material world, I was a material girl. I also had many opportunities to be like Elisabeth Taylor, but I never wanted to get married. For years people looked at me like I was Sandra Dee lousy with virginity, then one day it was all taken away. Yes, I got my first wrinkle. The next thing you know I am playing a district attorney on LA Law, me in syndication. Just as fast as I entered the second stage, I entered the final stage. I was offered the role of Dorothea Spornack on the Golden Girls; it was good money so I took it. For ten years I played that role and made lifelong friends out of Rue, Betty and Estelle. When the series ended so did my career, I thought it was over. Until one day I received a call from VH1, they offered me another gig, probably my last. So for the final chapter of my life as an actor, in the fall of 2006 I will become one of the newest cast members of the Surreal Life.

So that is my story in a nut shell. My name is Bea "Maude" Author. Good Night and Good Luck.

God Can Use Even You!!!

Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a day dreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan was divorced more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer
AND
Lazarus was dead!

NOW
No more excuses!
God can use you to your full potential
Besides you aren't the message,
you are just the messenger!

In the Circle of God's love,
God's waiting to use your full potential.

The Shift From Hell

Picture this, it is late afternoon last Saturday and you get called into work and hour early. This just happened to me. I thought it would be nice to get and extra hours pay, but little did I know this was the beginning of the shift from Hell.

I arrive at the store and BAM! I was hit by three things. 1. We had shipment to do (12 boxes). 2. We were very low on change. 3. The store was the most crowded it had ever been. Even more crowded then Christmas time.

Today was an off day. I had been up since 7 am and it had already been a busy day. Well I am one to never stress out over stupid stuff, but tonight was different. The customers were in full force this evening and I think their collective IQ was a 7. So many people came in looking for the new Lil Wayne and Plies CDs. These people had to be lazier then my Uncle Jim. They would come and ask me where the CDs were and I told them to turn around. Not one of them would do it, yet they asked me to show them where they were located. Frustrated I took them to the shelf RIGHT BEHIND THEM. They all said “Oh my, it was right in front of my face.” And in my head, I said “Duh, you dumb ass! I told you that!!!” Although that was still not when the actual craziness started.

It started with a call. A customer called in and asked when the next Rap CD would drop, I in turn told him we get at least one in on every Tuesday. He wanted me to go down the list for this week. I told him Three 6 Mafia and Missy Elliot was dropping this week. Then he wanted to know what was due out the following week, so I put him on hold and looked it up. I told him who was due to come out then I started to get frustrated when he asked what about the following week. I said “Sir we have a line out the door and I cannot tell you every single artist coming out, is there a specific artist you were looking for?” He said “Young Joc” and I told him when he would drop then he asked for Young Jeezy. I told him he wasn’t coming out time September then he rambled off a huge list of other artists. I told him he would have to come in and look at the schedule because I had a line of customers I had to take care of. He called me a name and slammed the phone down. I WAS PISSED!

So for about ten minutes I took care of the line along with Jess. We both hoped we did not get secret shopped because we never left the counter. Then the phone rang again. This time we got an even dumber customer on the line. He was looking for the artist Duvall, it was out of print. He could not comprehend why we had the CD nine years ago and why we do not have it now. Then he asked if we had the Commodores’ Greatest Hits. I told him yes we had two copies. He must have asked me seven times if I was sure that it was the Commodores’ Greatest Hits. I was getting so frustrated and I could barely hear him because he had “cotton in his mouth.” I then started to get rude with him and said “Yes, sir it IS the Commodores’ Greatest Hits I told you that seven times. What else can I do for you?” He said he wanted me to look up a song title and unfortunately our computers do not allow us to look up by song title. I told him that and yet again the dumb ass could not understand. I told him he had to come into the store and flip through the CDs to find that song. Then he said “No, I need you to look up this song, Jesse.” I said “NO, I-CAN-NOT-DO-THAT-I-AM-SORRY!” He said “I don’t understand why you can’t?” I in turn slammed the phone down. We had three, yes three more calls like that throughout the night.

Then at like eight o’clock, a group of parents ran in and pulled their kids out of the store and that huge group went running out. The alarm system went off and the entire group split! We have no idea what was stolen. Then right about closing time a customer came in and started fighting with Jess and I trying to get us to lower the price of a CD. WTF? We both told him we could not reduce the price just to fit your needs. (BTW he had a wad of $20 bills) He threw the CD at me and stormed out the store. As I finished casing it up the same customer came back in and started getting irate because he wanted the CD for $5 instead of $14. As Jess handled that situation, I had to deal with a potty-mouth father who would not stop dropping the F-bomb because he could not find the mouse Webkin. I had to ask him to leave the store.

Just as this crazy night was coming to an end, we heard a huge murmur outside the store. I excused myself from a customer to check out what was going on. I saw two crowds of about fifty kids each storm into each other. The security guards were trying to break it up then the one security guard yelled for everyone to close their gates IMMEDIATELY! The one guard said he saw a gun and we had to go on lock down ASAP.

Finally closing time came and the store was finally closed. I almost had a panic attack that night and I went to my dark place twice. You know it was bad if I had to go to my dark place. THANK GOD THE SHIFT IS NOW IN THE PAST!!! Hopefully I will never have another shift like that again.

The End.

Six Rules of Happiness

Follow these six rules everyday and live a happier life.

1. Do something for someone else.

2. Do something for yourself.

3. Do something you don't want to do that needs to be done.

4. Do a physical exercise.

5. Do a mental exercise.

6. Do an original prayer that always includes counting your blessings.

The Art of Dining Alone

How Not To Feel Humiliated When Dining Alone
by: Heather Wagner at Better Homes and Gardens


If you’re single, travel for business, or just enjoy savoring a meal without small talk, you’ve probably had the experience of dining alone. This can be immensely pleasurable or incredibly daunting, depending on your temperament and overall approach. To ensure your next table-for-one adventure is as enjoyable as possible, BHG.com offers up these time-tested tips for dining alone.

For fine dining at home, try these delicious DIY bistro menu ideas from BHG.com.

1. Be Bookish.

Always come armed with reading material. Having something to read not only keeps you from getting bored but also serves as a shield against wait staff pity or unwanted conversational overtures from fellow patrons. Keep in mind that certain reading choices are better than others due to their portability and fold-ability (good: Sports Illustrated bad: War and Peace). In fact, frequent dining alone might be the real motivation for investing in a Kindle – although be wary of spilled beverages!

2. Try The Bar.

For many would-be solo diners, the fear of being surrounded by lovey-dovey couples or raucous groups can be prohibitive. Requesting a seat at the bar is a good solution: Most restaurants will serve the full menu, bar seating is casual and low-profile, and you're likely to be surrounded by other content singletons.

3. Exude Confidence.

Stride up to the host or hostess and proudly request your table. Never shrug or say, “just me” as though you’re apologizing. It takes guts to eat alone, and you should command the respect you deserve.

4. Eavesdrop.

People in restaurants tend to be drinking, which often results in loud talking, over-sharing, bawdy jokes, or bitter marital brawls. Either way you can (discreetly) listen in on proximate tables and gain valuable insight into the human condition. Bonus points for detecting awkward first-time Internet dates.

5. Befriend Your Blackberry.

Most of us are borderline addicted to checking our Blackberries or mobile phones. While it’s impolite to do this in the company of others, it's an absolutely acceptable activity when you’re dining alone: Reading the news, checking your Twitter feed, fondly reading old emails from loved ones, or scanning your secret crush’s Facebook page...the wireless possibilities are endless.

6. Go, Team!

Even if you’re not terribly into sports, if there’s a game playing, become a fan for the evening. You’ll be surprised how an entranced gaze up at the screen now and then will give you a sense of purpose, as will a well-timed groan of defeat or hearty fist-pumping “Yes!”

7. Think Like A Food Critic.

Pretend you are reviewing the restaurant. Observe the nuances of each course, take in the presentation, note the faults and strengths of the décor and keep a sharp eye on the service. This puts you in a position of judgment – always empowering.

8. Life Is Short, Enjoy The Steak.

Finally, remember to relax, enjoy yourself, and focus on the positives of solo dining. Just think: There will be no quibbling over who pays, no awkward pauses, and no drawn-out discussions about your companion's relationship or work problems. You really can be your own best dinner date.

Dear Adrienne

Adrienne,

I remember the first time I met you...it was love at first sight! Granted I was in 6th grade and you were in 11th, besides Andy from The Goonies, you were my first crush. To this day I still think of you as one of the most beautiful people I know! I'm sorry that this has happened to you and it breaks my heart to hear that you are suffering. I have every person I know praying for you (even the random waiter I had last night, I asked him to keep you in prayer.)

I have so much I want to say to you, but no way to get it out. I asked God last night to put something in my heart that will give you inspiration. To my shock the next song on the radio was "Smile" by: Charlie Chaplin. Every memory I have of you, is a happy one. I have always loved your smile. It’s BIG and it’s genuine. So my words of inspiration for you and your family are the following:

Smile tho' your heart is aching,
Smile Even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

I love ya Adrienne, and I pray, hope, have my fingers crossed that God will heal you once again, but for now just keep on smiling!

-Steve

Time to Vent!!!

It is 3:30 in the am and I am slowly dying of boredom and I'm upset with the world today, so I decided to list some things that annoy the crap out of me.

1. When the toilet paper in the bathroom does not lay over the roll

2. When books on a shelf are not arranged tallest to shortest

3. People who do not appreciate life

4. When people have their DVDs facing every which way...no the front cover should always face the right so you can read the side title

5. When pictures are not hung straight on walls

6. When MTV plays the same show 3 hours in a row

7. When girls act like sluts...don't get me wrong Blanche Deveruex is funny but come on ladies have some class it’s a HUGE turnoff

8. When white boys (cough cough Eminem) act "black" no offense

9. When children talk bad about their parents...I do not care what they have done to you, you owe your life to them.

10. People who completely dismiss another's belief system

11. People who work at fun places (Disney, Great Adventure, etc.) and have such bad attitudes

12. Brad and Angelina...I'm not going to even waste my time

13. Rumor starters...I hate you to but I'll say it to your face

14. My upstairs neighbors blaring "Goodbye Earl" at 4 in the am

15. Cigar smoke

16. Fake people

17. People who think they are holier than thou

18. People who judge...It's not your life stay out of it or offer a helping hand

19. People who only help themselves

20. Movies that have great trailer but end up being a suck fest

21. Fathers/Mothers who abandon their families

22. Girls who don't shave...you could be Jessica Alba and not be attractive at all

23. Guys who treat their women like crap...I dare you to come talk to me

24. Elders who destroy kid's dreams...just because you could not follow your dreams does not mean you can diminish other's dreams

25. Boring people

26. A mean waiter/waitress

27. People who try to rule other people's lives...do not shun us because we saw a movie you did not approve of or because we went out dancing

28. People in a teaching position that teach their opinion and not the book...STICK WITH THE BOOK

29. High School drama that carries over into adulthood.

30. Fat people calling people fat...Ginger

31. Fat people trying to fit into a size 2...yuck I do not want to see that

32. Robots or cookie cutter people...you have your own brain USE IT

33. Rap music...I don't understand the words that are coming out of your mouth

34. Stupid people who eat or make phone calls as they are waiting on you...Eastern

35. People who talk trash on my family...you know who you are

36. Friend's roomies who think they own the place

37. Watching a scary or romantic movie and there is no one beside me too cuddle with...any takers? girls only

38. People who kiss and tell, in detail

39. Bad blind dates...thanks a lot Amanda

40. Body Odor...PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM STEVE!!!

41. Closed-minded People...GET A LIFE!!!

EMS Field Guide

1. Sick people don’t complain.

2. If you drop the baby, fake a seizure.

3. The patient’s has the emergency not you.

4. All rhythms will eventually change to one you know how to treat.

5. Pray your partner is not stupid.

6. The more stuff you see on an EMT’s belt, the newer they are.

7. All bleeding will eventually stop.

8. No matter what you do, all people will eventually die.

9. When your unsure what is wrong with the patient remember the ambulance has wheels.

10. It is not unprofessional to puke with your patient.

11. You will get caught sleeping.

12. The only time you will have to fart is when your in the elevator with your patient.

13. If someone is pointing a gun at you- outrun your partner.

14. Never tell dispatch were to go, they will send you there.

15. If it felt good to tell off the patient, nurse or supervisor, it was the wrong thing to say and you will pay for it.

16. Try not to be more drunk then the patient.

17. If the patient looks sick, they are sick.

18. Try not to say “holy crap” when approaching a trauma patient.

19. If I must get up, then everybody gets up.

20. Better the other crew than you.

21. Always save the patient.... from the fire department.

22. If your scared to enter- send your partner.

23. DON’T WAIT TO PEE.

24. Always give violent patients O2.........bottle across the head.

25. No matter if you were across the street- you will hear “what took you so long.”

26. If you must hold them down....stop CPR.

27. The stereo must be always be louder then the siren.

28. Paramedics do not save lives, they only postpone the inevitable.

29. You can’t fix stupid.

30. If it’s wet and sticky and not yours, DONT TOUCH IT.

31. You call, we haul.

32. Most patients are healthier than you.

33. Being in EMS means you celebrate holidays- on duty.

34. When driving your ambulance really fast, remember it was built by the lowest bidder.

35. Never get into an ambulance with someone braver than you.

36. If it’s stupid but works, it’s not stupid.

37. Always know when to get out of dodge, and how.

38. It’s easier to beg for forgiveness than to get permission.

39. Always trust your bad feelings.

40. The man with the gun is always in charge.

41. If you respond to a wreck after midnight and don’t find a drunk, keep
looking you have missed them.

42. A tourniquet around the neck will cure the patient.

43. The dead never get worse.

44. If it looks like you might get dirty let your partner do it.

45. For every ALS skill you learn you forget a BLS one.

46. Death is a stabilization of the patients condition.

47. Training is learning the rules, experience is learning the exceptions.

48. “ Poke and hope” another term for blind sticking.

49. When it comes to needles it is better to give than to receive.

50. Most of your patients will survive, no matter what you do.

51. Paramedics save lives... EMT's save Paramedics