Disclaimer: This is not a woe is me story. This is a story
what I have gone through to become the man I am today.
I cannot remember the exact date I started
therapy/counseling/hardcore praying, but it has been about a decade, and it’s
time I stop it. I have suffered with severe depression and anxiety for many,
many years, but I have been masking it with a smile. I have been to psychiatrists,
pastors, and counselors. (Both secular and Christian) I have taken medicine for
my burden, but it does not do anything for me, and I prefer the holistic way of
life anyway.
As most of you know, I am a Christian and love the Lord with
all my heart. Some people may mock that, but it doesn’t bother me because I
know that if it weren’t for Him, I may not be here today. Hiding behind a mask
fills you with anxiety which leads to depression, and I am no longer afraid to
mention that I have had plenty of suicidal thoughts. Luckily the Lord has been
there for me. I mean my friends are the best people in the whole wide world,
and my family is even more awesome, but there are some things that cannot be
discussed with them and as I felt, needed to be suppressed.
Being born and raised in a Christian/Republican environment,
I uphold myself to a certain set of standards, and out of respect for others in
the same environment I have kept my problems to myself. My favorite verse is
Philippians 4:13. It states “I can do all things through Christ which
strengthens me.” It’s so true. That’s my life motto. This verse has kept me
away from blades and bridges and at the same time it has given me the inner
strength to allow me to overcome hurdles that have been put on my life’s track.
Many of my family and friends always tell me how cool they
think I am because I see something I want to do and I go and do it. (I.e. travel
the world, sing crazy karaoke songs, or just go see Gladys Knight in concert.)
Little do you know, but I wrote out my Bucket List when I was twenty-three years
old. The “easy way out” thoughts came a little too often back then and I truly
love life. Even though I have had these thoughts, and even though the Lord has intervened
each time, I truly love life and wish I was immortal. There are so many things
to do during this one shot we get, so if I see something I really love, I do it
because you never know when it will all come to an end. I want to die laughing
with memories instead of full of regrets.
Most of you know I enjoy food and liquor, but because of
this burden weighing on my heart all these years, I have over eaten and imbibed
too much at times. The stress of it all has me gaining weight, losing my hair,
putting my health at risk, using obnoxious sarcasm, lying to those I love, and
in my early 20’s, I self-medicated with drugs here and there. I am tired of it
all and I am finally ready to put this all behind me and move on.
The Bible says in John 8:32 “And ye shall know the truth,
and the truth shall make you free.” After digging down deep I knew exactly what
had brought everything on. Actually I knew from the very beginning. I am not an
ignorant person, in fact I am quite intelligent, and yet I brought this all on
myself because I was not happy with the way I was created.
For twenty years now (yes, I started this at 10 years old.)
I have been praying and praying for God to take this burden off of my
shoulders. I have prayed for it to cease many, many times. The Lord only gives
three answers to prayer, they are yes, no, and wait. The last few counseling
sessions I had with one of my assistant pastors, he asked me if I ever thought
of changing the prayer or rewording it. No I knew what I wanted and never
thought of changing my prayer.
I have prepared myself for every possible worst case
scenario. I thought about me, me, and me. The Bible also states in I
Corinthians 2:11 “For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of
man which is in him?” People may mock the spiritual aspect of my life, and
others may mock my human side. Either way over the years, I have become so
close to my God through this battle that the opinions of others about me no
longer matter to me. I may not even be
here today, if it weren’t for my Lord keeping his hand of protection around me.
So about eight months ago, I changed my prayer. After twenty
years of relentless prayer with no answer, I came to terms of growing old by
myself, and I would be just fine with that. I came to terms like this to
protect my family, whom many share the same beliefs as I do. I also kept my
secret so long because I was afraid to lose what I love most in this world,
them. No offence to my friends, you guys are perfect, but one can always make
more friends throughout life. One cannot replace a family member.
The blame is on me. I put myself through hell all these
years because I wanted more time with my family. I also made the huge mistake
of not believing in the ones I loved the most, and underestimated their love.
So eight months ago I changed my prayer and instead of asking the Lord to rid
me of this shame, I asked Him, if it was His will, to put someone in my life to
help me. Within in four months I had an answer.
Many of you know, a few weeks ago I went to an anointing
service at my church. Yes, I asked for anointing and prayer to heal my back,
but I also asked the pastor to pray that I calm my drinking down and that I
would have the strength to finally say what I needed to say. He looked me right
in the eyes and said “The truth will set you free, Steve. Tell your family and
friends what you have been struggling with and all the problems will go away.
It then dawned on me that all these years, the root of my drinking, drug use,
rudeness, stress related pain, and every other negative thing in my life was
this problem. I have talked with some people already and my back pain has been dissipating
rapidly, the consumption of alcohol has decreased and all my friends have said
I have become even happier than I was because now it shows on my face and not
behind a faux smile.
I know it’s not ideal, and if I had the choice to choose who
I become, I would probably choose a different path. I am tired of being
anxious. I am tired of being depressed. For the first time in years I am
finally to the point where I accept who I am. God, created us all different and
these were the cards I was dealt. I wish I would have said something years ago
and saved myself so much heartache. I am finally ready to admit that I am gay.
I have struggled for years with this and I truly was afraid to lose the people
around me that I love so much.
I believe God created me this way, and I know I will deal
with this when Judgement Day comes, but that is my problem. I do not ask you to
accept this, but I do ask for your continued love. If I lose friends and family
over this, I am OK with that, but those people will still be loved by me, and
will always have a place in my heart. I am only telling you this because the
rumor mill is worse than a puppy mill, and I wanted you all to hear it from me
first. I will answer all appropriate questions, and I will not tolerate rude
comments.
My immediate family and grandparents have my back and now
that they know, I feel I am free and the burden is gone forever. I felt I could
express myself better in the written word than face to face. I love you all.
-Steve
