It happened a few years ago when I was a junior in college. I had stayed in VA for the summer to take extra courses. This particular week was crazy. I had just gotten off work and it was the shift from hell. (http://sharinglaughs.blogspot.com/2012/06/shift-from-hell.html) So I decided to go back to the dorm, shower, and grab a drink. I guess my roomie was still at work, so I didn't wait for him. Mind you, I went to Liberty University and Lynchburg is a super dry town. There was only one bar within an hour drive. Its name was Rubbs. In the day it was a biker bar, in the afternoon it was a middle age-ish bar, and at night us 20-somethings took it over.
So anyway, alone, I venture out to Rubbs. I parked behind the place in the "employee parking lot" which was reserved for LU students to hide their cars from campus authority. So I walk in, it’s roughly 11:30pm and it’s dead. I sit at the bar and Molly, the hottie bartender, comes right up to keep me company. Side Note: We were both prayer leaders on our hall at the time. There was Molly and I, the cook, two guards, a DJ, two older guys and this hillbilly chick and this guy, Dave, Molly and I befriended in the bar.
A couple drinks in, the laughter and storytelling starts. The music was just getting good, and for those of you who know me, I love to dance. Then these two beautiful, black women walked in. I find out later they are niece and aunt. Well I order another drink and I am itching to get out on the floor and dance. Molly sees me fidgeting, and she, along with Dave, convince me to go ask the girls to dance.
Nervous, I take a sip and tell the guys "I'm going over there." But before I made my move, I told Dave "If I start to dance with that hillbilly come get me." I then turned to Molly and said "If I start dancing with that hillbilly chick flag me." They laughed and rudely pushed me toward the floor.
Let me give you some background on this hillbilly chick. She was probably in her early 30's, but she had meth face and looked like she was in her late 40's. She had straggly, bleach-blonde hair and from what I could see she only had a 1/2 of tooth in her whole mouth. She had track marks all up her legs and arms. Lastly she was wearing this neon pink outfit. The top looked like a sports bra and she had matching skin tight booty shorts and pink sneakers to match. This would have looked good, but she also had a little bit of a gut...and by little I mean it covered the entire front of those booty shorts she was trying to pull off. Hence this is why I wanted Dave to come get me and Molly to flag me.
So I went over to talk to the ladies, I asked them if they wanted to dance. Since I was the only guy on the floor I spun them both around the floor. (Yes, I have swag.) We danced for about two songs when the niece turned to me all excited and announce that her and her aunt were going to teach me the Cupid Shuffle. I had no clue how to do it, but I am a good student and caught on fast. The niece occupied my front as the aunt occupied my back, and we went down down and did our thing.
The DJ played the song again this time so we could really jam out to it. So still in the same position, a few bars into the song the aunt pulls a "reach around" and grabs my junk, well, thinking this is a sign I slide my hand to her backside. The second I touched her ass she shoves me away and starts screaming like a crazy woman. The one bouncer comes over and is asking what happened. The lady kept screaming and I said "She grabbed so I grabbed." I apologized and the woman, still screaming, grabbed her niece and they left.
The song was still playing, so I turned around and began to finish the dance. When I turned around, there she was in all her glory, the hillbilly. I know it went against everything I had stated no more than 5 minutes prior, but what the hell I had a minute or two left of the song and it was over. Well we did the moves and we decided to jazz up the "walk it by yourself" part. We got in real close and shimmied our way to the next position.
I don't know why, but we stayed in position and continued to dance with a full embrace. We went down down and did our thing and that is when it happened. All of the sudden I felt warmth on my knee and down my leg. The chick drops to the ground and starts crying, saying "I thought I could hold it till the end of the song. I thought I could hold it till the end of the song!" I am in disbelief as the bouncer comes running over. The bouncer is yelling "STEVE! It hasn't even been a minute. What the hell is wrong with you? What happened this time?"
In disbelief, I look down and my pants and my jeans are soaked. I looked the bouncer dead in the eyes and said "The bitch pissed on me!" The bouncer finally came to and realized what the hell was going on and escorted the chick to the bathroom as I sloshed over to the bar to grab my coat. Dave greeted me with a high five and a huge smile asking "What the hell did you do?" Molly came over and asked "What the hell's going on?" All I could do is look down at my pants and say "The bitch pissed on me!" They died laughing.
Dave and Molly both offered to buy me a drink. I declined and said good night and walked out. The bouncer at the door asked "Dude where you going? It's only midnight." Midnight? All this happening in 30 minutes??? All I could do was look at my pants and tell him "Dude I got pissed on!" He laughed and wished me luck.
I drove straight back to the dorm and my roomie was there waiting for me. He took one look at my pants and cracked up. I simply said "Some bitch pissed on me!!!" I hopped in the shower and the last thing I saw was my amazing roomie taking my jeans to the washer.
This is my life. I told you to hold on for the ride!!!
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