Naughty In Nashville

Where do I begin?

 Every year I work a major convention for my company. It’s always at a different venue, and this year it was in Nashville, TN. I have never been to Nashville and had it as a place to visit on my bucket list. I also have never gone on a vacation/trip with a friend.  My whole family was going, but at the last minute my sister had to stay behind to man the office. There was an opening and I begged my parents to let me bring a friend. So that’s how Anna Banana got invited. We planned for weeks and weeks. We saved up, organized our itinerary and mapped out all the cool sights to see…while making sure it worked around the conference schedule.

The day before we left, we found out that my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin were going to ride down with us, and we were going to drop them off in South Carolina so they could move their stuff out of storage to their new house in PA. We all convened at my parents’ house at 3am and loaded into the van. Those of you, who know me, know that I am happy-go-lucky 95% of the time. The other 5% is usually because I have not had enough sleep. Well Anna and I were dumb asses and decided to hangout the night before instead of sleep so we were tired. One thing you have to know about my Aunt is she is the loudest of all my relatives. She’s loving, funny, and happy like me, but damn she is loud!!! Maybe because she has 6 boys and a husband she has to yell over. Either way her voice is not meant to be stuck in a van with me at 3am. My little cousin, who is 21, is a goofball and loves to start trouble. Before we got out of Jersey, Anna and I had both had a headache, were felt up by my cousin, and had fallen asleep.

Just as I had dozed off completely Aunt Nee woke me up to ask (in a very loud voice) “How about you all come to my house for Thanksgiving dinner?” I said OK and Anna jumped up in a daze and asked in an all too serious, whiny voice: “Why are you yelling?” and fell right back to sleep. That was at 3:45am. We were able to catch some Z’s, but by 6am we were up for the rest of the trip. We did your typical dorky road trip stuff. We sang, talked, played the license plate game, read, and were felt up multiple times by my cousin. (Let me clarify this was not sexual, just annoying.) He and Anna thought it was hilarious. I however really hate being touched if it’s unnecessary or not intimate.

Time flew, next thing you know we were pulling up at the storage unit in South Carolina. My Dad rented the U-Haul and we were about to load it up, but not before we ran into a couple problems. First we couldn’t open the door because everything shifted during the earthquake a month prior. We were able to prop it open just wide enough to send my cousin inside to push the boxes back. After he shimmied in, he was relatively quick in getting the door open. We threw open the U-Haul’s door and as soon as Dad grabbed the first box, it down poured! Drenched, we worked as fast and as efficient as we could. Within an hour and a half, we had the truck loaded and were on our way to a warm meal.

We settled on Ryan’s Buffet (one of the best buffets in the South) and had a wonderfully, put-it-all-out-there gay waiter that made everyone at the table uncomfortable except for Anna and me, who kept chuckling every time someone became a little uneasy. After stuffing our faces on that delicious food, we found a room for the night and passed out.

The next morning we were up at 5am and said our goodbyes to Aunt Nee, Christian, and Uncle Steve. Now it was just the 4 of us and we were finally headed to Nashville, but not without stopping at Krispy Kreme for a sugar-filled donut. We arrived in N-ville just around lunch. We were all hungry so I looked to my trusty handmade guide to see which places I had listed for a quick lunch. Bar-Ba-Cutie came up on the list. It was a kitsch little building with a giant cowgirl sign welcoming you in.  It was definitely delicious…for fast food BBQ. The brisket tasted like heaven and the multiple sauces were to die for. Like all fast food, by the time we got to the hotel, we were paying for it.

We checked in to the hotel and the rents called it a night, but Anna and I had to get dressed and ready because we were meeting our friend Jenda and her boyfriend, Derek. It was the Saturday before Halloween so we planned on hitting at least one bar, but not before we saw as many wonderful sites as N-ville had to offer. We got to see the sculpture of polar bears in a snowball fight, a catfish dressed as a boy scout, and trees shaped as bison!!! Who knew N-ville was so cool? We headed downtown and got to see this huge statue called Musica. It was a beautifully crafted stone statue of pagan people dancing to music. We also stumbled onto a very large rooster, which of course Derek and I had to “compare” sizes with it. And as a special treat from the universe to me, we saw a studio where Gladys Knight and Elvis had both recorded records.

Before we hit the club, we toured the Charlie Daniels’ Museum, caught a glimpse of the dancers in Coyote Ugly, went to a hookah bar, and made a few friends. We eventually settled on a karaoke bar, which I of course had to sing Proud Mary. As we were waiting for my named to be called, and as we were slinging back Snake Bite shots, I realized that every single person singing was amazing!!! Like American Idol Winner good. At one point (two songs before I went on) the bartenders and waitresses sang a group song together and WOW is all I have to say. Well after a shot of liquid encouragement, I was up on stage rockin’ out and do-do-doing my thing. Half the crowd cheered the other half was too drunk to notice I was singing. Of course my wonderful friends were cheering me on like they were my groupies. Afterward we danced the night away and went unconscious as soon as our heads hit the pillow.

The next day was Sunday, and my rents and I took Anna to church and from what I remember, the message was very uplifting. Once church was finished, we all met my Mom’s cousin, Rosemarie for lunch. After lunch we headed to President Jackson’s plantation. This was one of my favorite things we did on the whole trip. We got to tour his HUGE mansion, the kitchen, the help quarters, and all of his fields. I know some of you may think this would be boring, but shut up and wait till I get to the good part. The BEST THING about the plantation was it had a huge cotton field, and YES, I got to pick cotton!!! It was amazing! I had a blast, I tied a scarf around my head and picked away while singing “Pick a Bail of Cotton.”  I was having a blast until the closed petals, started stabbing me. Holy cow, I had no clue cotton had stickers on them; no wonder the slaves hated their masters. Cotton picking was so easy until your hand started to bleed, but I picked away. I learned so much that day, and had so much fun, and I can now say I am an official cotton picker. I have so many pics of this…literally one of my favorite memories from life.

Later on that night we went to Conway Twitty’s estate to sit for a taping of Solid Rock’s Country Christmas Special. Afterwards we toured his beautiful estate. It was decorated with millions of Christmas lights, and there were flowers upon flowers everywhere. Gazeboes popped up every few yards, and there was even a running creek through the middle of the place. It was a winter wonderland even though it was 60* outside.  Once we finished the tour, Ro took us to the Grand Ole Opry. It was closed, but we were able to get some good shots outside and inside the main foyer.

The next day was set up for the convention. The four of us arrived at the convention center and our crates were nowhere in sight. We had shipped the crates weeks prior as we always do, but there was a mix up and they “couldn’t find it.” I have never raised so much hell. (Except that one time I ordered Peppermint Hot Chocolate and there was no peppermint in my cocoa.) We stayed at the convention center twiddling our thumbs till 3pm when the booth finally showed up. In all the history of my convention working, I never erected the booth as fast as that day in Nashville. We were done in less than an hour then we finally ventured out to grab some grub. Margaritaville was the restaurant of choice. Anna and I shared a Taco Tower which was a bit overwhelming. Made up of two bags of tortilla chips, the tower stood two feet high with nothing but cheese and refried beans gluing it together. Not, thinking we both went for a center piece…the tower almost toppled, but the look on our faces and laughter was priceless.

After the early dinner we headed back to the convention center for an opening ceremonies/Halloween party.  It was nice, a few finger foods, dancing and free drink tickets! As a special treat, AVS hired country singer, Kinsey Rose to perform at the soirée. My parents needed some rest after the exhausting two days, so they left, but Anna and I stayed and called Jenda to hang out. After all it was Halloween (the first ever I celebrated away from home) and it was the last time to have some fun before the business week began.

First stop was an old record shop where the country singers of the 40s and 50s used to record their records. Then it was on to Printer’s Alley where the first newspaper of Nashville was printed. Well I thought it would be a historical, learning site…I was wrong. Although a historical site, it was now revamped into nothing but a long strip of karaoke clubs…HEAVEN!!! All the buildings were fashioned as the ones you would see in the French Quarter of New Orleans. The very first sign we saw was advertising “Nude Karaoke.” Ok, so I figured it would be strippers singing for an audience…I already had the script written for Lifetime…boy was I wrong. Anyone who wanted to sing had to strip down as they sang. I, loving crazy life experiences, wanted to try it out, but I am also a very modest man and we passed on it. But hey way to be exhibitionists, Nashvillites.

We skipped out on karaoke because we were afraid we might end up dead in that alley if we let loose. So we asked a few people where the good clubs were and they all sent us across town. We found free parking and there was no cover. So far the night was looking better.  We entered the bar and it was a crazy costume party, and we three were the only ones not dressed up. Well I am always great at spinning situations to my advantage, and since I was wearing new kicks and a red flannel I convinced half the bar I was dressed up as a lesbian. Hahahaha!!! We made a few friend out of Quailman, Might Mouse, Spok , a scarecrow, and some girl dressed up as Christina Ricci from Pan Am. (Truth be told it looked like she ate Christina Ricci and tried on her clothes out of some sick pleasure she got from killing a victim.) We had a blast drinking, laughing, making new friends, and dancing.

I had to take a pee break and when I came back there was this guy and his entourage chatting it up with Anna and Jenda. I came over to see what was going on…mainly I didn’t want the girls to abandon me. I got over there and Anna has her arm around this guy as Jenda is chatting up his friends and the guy is signing magazine covers saying he’s famous and he loves them. We were all too tipsy to believe anything and I had to applaud the guy for that “come on” technique. Hell when I meet strangers I say I’m famous too.  He bought all of us two rounds of drinks and we all chit chatted for an hour or so then the guys had to leave. Before they left Jenda had to get pics of our new friends. I snapped a few of the girls and Jared, and then he turned to me and asked if I wanted a pic. What the hell why not? He was cool and bought us drinks so of course I’ll take a pic. As he walked out, Drunk Anna took over Banana’s body, and she grabbed him by the shirt and told him to stay with her right before she gave him a peck. SIDE NOTE: This was so hot to watch in action. We laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of the night.

We had Jenda drop us off at the hotel and that’s when we realized we were starving!!! Drunk munchies hit us so hard, we walked about a third of a mile down to the Waffle House. Mind you the road we walked down was probably set at an 80* angle. Once in the Waffle House it took us all but 2 seconds to order our meal. Waffles...DUH!!! Then the giggle set it. We could not control ourselves. Reminiscing about the past few days had us all riled up. I took over the jukebox and for some reason I played “Wind Beneath My Wings. “ I forgot I requested that song, and we had just calmed down when it started playing. We giggled for a second at the amazingness of my choice. Then out of nowhere, totally blind siding us, the older white waitress (50) and the young black waiter (19) started belting that song out to the top of their lungs. Stunned, Anna and I could do nothing but laugh and applaud them. That was the icing on the cake for a wonderful evening.

The next day it was business time. The fun had to come to an end. Dad and I handled the show while Mom and Anna had time to wonder around the city. Around noon my phone kept ringing. I was busy with a couple customers at the time, but as soon as I could, I called Anna back. She was so wired and was speaking way faster than she normally does. Here she was reading the magazine Jared signed for her and here he was like a D-List celebrity. His name was Jared Allman and he did a few shows on the Sundance Channel. We actually met and partied with a celebrity!!! Who knew?

All in all the week was very exciting, and the convention was very lucrative. It will be a memory I will forever laugh at. Even though I hate most things country, I loved Nashville and can’t wait to return.