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With Love,
Steve

Amber...Was the Color of My Energy

Have you ever been head over heels in love? Have you ever known without a doubt that you found the one you were going to grow old with? Once upon a time I was in love, and I knew I was going to grow old with her…my Amber.

We met at a summer camp in North Carolina in sixth grade. She was in my sister camp. We met during an air hockey tournament, the second night of the stay. It was me versus a girl named, Angie, Amber’s best friend. We were tied 4 to 4 so far and Amber snuck to my side and began taunting me. I get really into air hockey for some reason…I must get it from my mom. My “trademark” while playing air hockey is, I kick my leg out every time I hit the puck. (I don’t know why. I just do.) I love to get into a game, heckle people, and get heckled.  I eventually won the game and went over to shake my opponent’s hand. On the way across the room, Amber tripped me, I stumbled and she laughed. I shook Angie’s hand and she in turn introduced me to Amber. All it took was one “Hi.” In her southern accent and I was hooked!

The three of us went to get a snack at the snack shop after the game, and being totally oblivious to each other’s purchase, we all bought the same snack, Runts and water. We walked over to the look out on the other side of the snack shack, and then being not-so-normal people, we ripped open our boxes and sorted the candy by fruit…and then trade each other for the ones we liked. To this day I remember Angie took all the bananas, I had all the limes, and Amber had all the strawberries. While we sat and snacked, we got to know each other. They were both from Florida and had been friends since they were knee high. We were all the same age and all in sixth grade. I don’t remember the full conversation, but I do remember a lot of laughter.

After our powwow, we went back to our cabins to get ready for dinner. A couple hours passed and we rendezvoused at the mess hall. Since they were in my sister cabin, their table was right across from mine. I could not take my eyes off of Amber; she was just so damn beautiful. She had perfectly tan skin, long flowing jet black hair, the reddest lips (without lipstick), and her eyes were perfectly round with brown and honey irises…I got lost in them a few times over the years. After prayer and dinner was served, I tried to get her attention, but she was too into a conversation with a girl beside her.

I kept noticing Amber and the other girl looking at me, smiling, and then going back to their conversation. A few minutes passed and the girl, Amber was talking to approached me. She introduced herself, her name was Ashley and she was Amber’s older sister. In front of all the guys at the table she asked me, “Do think Amber is cute?” I in turn replied, “I think she is beautiful.” Ashley turned and looked toward Amber, gave her thumbs up, and walked back to the table. The guys at the table all hooted and hollered and cheered for me, I blushed, and they called me out for blushing. Amber and the girls were all spastically chatting and I saw her blush too.

Every time we would look at each other, someone would make it known to the entire mess hall, so we stopped for a bit. Toward the end of dinner, I tried to get her attention. Nothing I did could get her attention. So I took a cherry from my fruit cup and bounce it from my table to hers. It landed right in front of her and she turned and looked at me with the most beautiful smile. I was just about to mouth something to her, when out of nowhere a lump of mashed potatoes smacked me in the face. Her mouth dropped open as did mine. I did a quick scan to see where it came from and right beside Amber, with a huge smile on her face and a questionable spoon with remnants of potatoes in her hand was Ashley. I had a few more cherries and grapes left, so I bounce one in her direction. This intern led Angie to saucer a cantaloupe slice at me. She missed and hit my friend Vince in the face. I don’t remember what happened next, but there was food flying everywhere. Table after table after table began participating in this massive food fight. It seemed like it went on for forever when in reality the leaders and hosts stopped us dead in our tracks.

Each table had to choose a person to stay behind and clean up the mess. I with the always guilty conscience chose to stay behind as did Amber and Angie. We laughed and made jokes while cleaning. Each joke we made came with a glare from the counselors. After we were finished wiping, moping, and laughing we grabbed some ice cream and headed out to the look out. Although I never noticed it back then, but now with age I am fully aware that Angie left because Amber told her to. At the look out, we talked about music and books and whatever else. Both of us being Christians grew up in a semi-sheltered lifestyle. As most Christians, our parents limited the music we listened to (oldies, religious, and some, as the 90’s called it, bubblegum pop). Growing up in the era of Britney and boy band, we had a common like for 98*. I love to read and it was refreshing to find someone else who loved having their nose stuck in a book as much as I do. Over the years we would exchange an obscene amount of books.

After the night of the food fight, we were inseparable for the rest of the week. We would walk around the campground just taking each other in. We would sneak out at night and walk down to the shore line and look up at the stars. One day we had a “free day” to do whatever we wanted without our cabin mates. Amber and I, along with Angie and some guy, decided to hike up to “the old Indian,” a rock face that resembled that of an old Indian chief. Once we made it to the peak the four of us sat down on the edge of the drop off and stared out over, what seemed like, the entire state of North Carolina. It was perfection in sight and company. We spent a few hours on the peak. We brought a packed lunch and just enjoyed each other’s company.               

We spent the entire week together and as fast as it started, it came to an end. Saturday morning marked the end of summer camp and my group had to be ready to leave at 5am. Friday night at dinner, Amber (and Angie) and I said our goodbyes. It was heart wrenching. We hugged long enough for the counselors to tell us to stop. I had to go and pack and get some sleep, but she promised me she would make sure she saw me one last time before I went back home. Five o’clock came way too fast, by quarter after my entire group was packed and was loading into the van. Just as we took the final head count, I saw Amber and Angie running up the hill toward our van. I told Pastor Mac to wait and jumped out of the van. Angie gave me a huge bear hug and slipped me her address and number.  As I turned toward Amber, I saw her eyes well up. She handed me a sticky note with her address and number on it, and told me “You better write me!” Next thing I know, we were lip locked…and it was amazing!!! Needless to say I was the most popular guy in the van on the way home.

Not even a week since I got back from camp, I sent and received my first letter from Amber. For four years we sent a letter to each other every week and called once a month (long distance fees back then were outrageous) before we met again. Sophomore year we both had the chance to go to a Youth Conference in South Carolina. Of course we both took the opportunity to go, but at that time we didn’t have cell phones so how in the world would we meet up? Come summer, when the Youth Conference came up, I looked for her high and low; I could not find her anywhere. Finally Wednesday night I found her! As an opening ice breaker for the night’s festivities there was a burping contest. I sat in the crowd and enjoyed the show. It was a showdown between some guy and this tiny little girl. Out of this little lady came this amazing echoing roar that shook the place. The emcee announced her, Amber as the winner.

I jumped out of my seat and screamed her name to the top of my lungs. She knew it was me and screamed back. I flew out of my aisle and down the stairs toward the stage. It was all very movie-esque. She came running down the stairs of the stage and met me half way up the aisle, and embraced in an every-so-sappy way. For the next two days, we hung out non-stop, as she was staying in the same hotel I was staying in. The spark was still there after all these years.

The week ended and we went back to letters once a week, and calls once a month. Two years later we were seniors in high school and were trying to pick out a college. Within a few letters we both decided to go to Pensacola Christian College. Ecstatic that we would finally be close to each other and for a significant amount of time we began to talk about dating and finally a future together. That summer my family went down to visit the campus and they finally got to meet Amber and her parents finally met me. Over the next month, being busy getting ready for college and all, I only got one letter from Amber. It said: “I can’t wait to see you. I need to tell you something. Love, Amber.” I couldn’t wait to see her either, and finally it came time to drop me off at college.

My family is a big, loud, traditional, thick-as-thieves type of family. So all my cousins, aunts and uncles, and my grandparents loaded up their cars and we all caravanned down to drop off the eldest grandchild at college. After I was settled in my dorm and my family drove away I gave Amber a call to see what she was doing, because I was instantly lonely. We met up for dinner and talked and smiled a lot. Then we went over to the auditorium for some college introduction festivity of sorts.

She seemed uneasy at the table and on the walk over to the auditorium. We found our seats and after prayer she grabbed my hand and told me what she had been waiting to tell me for weeks. I was instantly in a haze; my mind was frozen off in Wonderland somewhere. I was at a loss for words. Me, a loss for words? Never happens! She told me that she couldn’t attend this semester because she was diagnosed with throat cancer. Here the entire day she never moved in, never registered for classes, but came to see me anyway. I cried myself to sleep that night in front of my three roommates.

This was the first time in my life I ever felt utterly alone. (The second time is a totally different story which you will read about later.) My family was gone mind you I’ve traveled all around the world by myself and never felt alone like I did that night. The next day we met for breakfast and talked it out. Her family lived about ten miles from campus so it wasn’t a hassle for us to meet up with each other. I loved her with all my heart, but I was young and immature and could NOT handle this situation at the time. I could not catch my breath I was in a haze every day. I called my family crying and asking for a plane ticket home.

I told Amber I could not stay. I had to go home. I could not handle the situation I don’t even think I tried. After only 10 days at PCC my Dad surprised me the morning John Ritter died. He had driven all night to get to me, and we were packed up and moved out within two hours. I had to say goodbye, so we met at the mall. There, we talked for about an hour while Dad waited outside. We passed a small jewelry pagoda and we stopped to buy matching promise rings. We promised when she got better, we would both go back to PCC. She understood where I was coming from and with tears in our eyes we slid our rings on and kissed each other goodbye. That was the last time I ever saw her.

Over the next few months I still received a letter every week, as did she and our calls became more frequent. January came around and I had settled in to Eastern University and she was feeling a little bit better, but she still wasn’t strong enough to go back to school. I received at letter on February 20, 2004 telling me the doctors were going to perform surgery and try to remove as much as they could on February 27^th. I immediately called her and prayed with her. She told me she was still wearing her ring and so was I. Matter of fact I am wearing the ring now as I write this story. I called her the eve of the twenty-seventh and wished her well, told her that I loved her and prayed with her one last time.

Around 4pm on February 27^th I called her parents’ house to see what the progress was. Her sister, Ashley answered the phone and all she said was “Oh my God, Steve you don’t know.” Immediately I fell onto my futon. I sat there in disbelief as she told me “something went wrong. They forgot to quarter off something and she bled out.” I was in shock, I couldn’t believe it. I was never going to see her again. The dream was over. I managed to get a second of clarity and told Ashley I loved her and to give her parents a hug from me. I told her to keep me posted and I hung up the phone.

I skipped class the rest of the day, and didn’t even bother going in the next day. I was depressed, devastated, and un-showered. Around 8pm on the 28^th there was a knock at my door. I told whoever it was to go away, then the door swung open and there was Umbel, Tuna, and Coochie (my 3 best friends). They came in and asked where the hell I have been. I had them worried. I broke down and cried and told them everything. Umbel took me to the bathroom and literally forced me to shave and shower. The girls cleaned spruced up my dorm room, and then the three of them took me out for a double feature. They took me to the IMAX Theater to see Along Came Polly and 50 First Dates. To this day those two movies are in my top ten favorite movies, and Coochie and Tuna are still two of the best girls any guy could ask for.

It’s almost been eight years since I lost my Amber, and every February 27^th I turn on our song, Sunshine After The Rain by: 98*, and I call her parents to catch up. Every February 27^th I cry as I pull out the shoebox with every letter we ever wrote each other. A week after her passing, her mom sent me a package filled with every single picture, book, tape, CD, and letter she ever received from me. In a small envelope in the box was the ring I bought her along with her last letter. To this day I still have that box and some of the best memories of my life. I’ve learned to move on, but one never forgets their first love.

I love you Amber and will never forget you.