I Bet You Didn't See This Coming.

Disclaimer: This is not a woe is me story. This is a story what I have gone through to become the man I am today.

I cannot remember the exact date I started therapy/counseling/hardcore praying, but it has been about a decade, and it’s time I stop it. I have suffered with severe depression and anxiety for many, many years, but I have been masking it with a smile. I have been to psychiatrists, pastors, and counselors. (Both secular and Christian) I have taken medicine for my burden, but it does not do anything for me, and I prefer the holistic way of life anyway.

As most of you know, I am a Christian and love the Lord with all my heart. Some people may mock that, but it doesn’t bother me because I know that if it weren’t for Him, I may not be here today. Hiding behind a mask fills you with anxiety which leads to depression, and I am no longer afraid to mention that I have had plenty of suicidal thoughts. Luckily the Lord has been there for me. I mean my friends are the best people in the whole wide world, and my family is even more awesome, but there are some things that cannot be discussed with them and as I felt, needed to be suppressed.

Being born and raised in a Christian/Republican environment, I uphold myself to a certain set of standards, and out of respect for others in the same environment I have kept my problems to myself. My favorite verse is Philippians 4:13. It states “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” It’s so true. That’s my life motto. This verse has kept me away from blades and bridges and at the same time it has given me the inner strength to allow me to overcome hurdles that have been put on my life’s track.

Many of my family and friends always tell me how cool they think I am because I see something I want to do and I go and do it. (I.e. travel the world, sing crazy karaoke songs, or just go see Gladys Knight in concert.) Little do you know, but I wrote out my Bucket List when I was twenty-three years old. The “easy way out” thoughts came a little too often back then and I truly love life. Even though I have had these thoughts, and even though the Lord has intervened each time, I truly love life and wish I was immortal. There are so many things to do during this one shot we get, so if I see something I really love, I do it because you never know when it will all come to an end. I want to die laughing with memories instead of full of regrets.

Most of you know I enjoy food and liquor, but because of this burden weighing on my heart all these years, I have over eaten and imbibed too much at times. The stress of it all has me gaining weight, losing my hair, putting my health at risk, using obnoxious sarcasm, lying to those I love, and in my early 20’s, I self-medicated with drugs here and there. I am tired of it all and I am finally ready to put this all behind me and move on.

The Bible says in John 8:32 “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”  After digging down deep I knew exactly what had brought everything on. Actually I knew from the very beginning. I am not an ignorant person, in fact I am quite intelligent, and yet I brought this all on myself because I was not happy with the way I was created.

For twenty years now (yes, I started this at 10 years old.) I have been praying and praying for God to take this burden off of my shoulders. I have prayed for it to cease many, many times. The Lord only gives three answers to prayer, they are yes, no, and wait. The last few counseling sessions I had with one of my assistant pastors, he asked me if I ever thought of changing the prayer or rewording it. No I knew what I wanted and never thought of changing my prayer.

I have prepared myself for every possible worst case scenario. I thought about me, me, and me. The Bible also states in I Corinthians 2:11 “For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him?” People may mock the spiritual aspect of my life, and others may mock my human side. Either way over the years, I have become so close to my God through this battle that the opinions of others about me no longer matter to me.  I may not even be here today, if it weren’t for my Lord keeping his hand of protection around me.

So about eight months ago, I changed my prayer. After twenty years of relentless prayer with no answer, I came to terms of growing old by myself, and I would be just fine with that. I came to terms like this to protect my family, whom many share the same beliefs as I do. I also kept my secret so long because I was afraid to lose what I love most in this world, them. No offence to my friends, you guys are perfect, but one can always make more friends throughout life. One cannot replace a family member.

The blame is on me. I put myself through hell all these years because I wanted more time with my family. I also made the huge mistake of not believing in the ones I loved the most, and underestimated their love. So eight months ago I changed my prayer and instead of asking the Lord to rid me of this shame, I asked Him, if it was His will, to put someone in my life to help me. Within in four months I had an answer.

Many of you know, a few weeks ago I went to an anointing service at my church. Yes, I asked for anointing and prayer to heal my back, but I also asked the pastor to pray that I calm my drinking down and that I would have the strength to finally say what I needed to say. He looked me right in the eyes and said “The truth will set you free, Steve. Tell your family and friends what you have been struggling with and all the problems will go away. It then dawned on me that all these years, the root of my drinking, drug use, rudeness, stress related pain, and every other negative thing in my life was this problem. I have talked with some people already and my back pain has been dissipating rapidly, the consumption of alcohol has decreased and all my friends have said I have become even happier than I was because now it shows on my face and not behind a faux smile.

I know it’s not ideal, and if I had the choice to choose who I become, I would probably choose a different path. I am tired of being anxious. I am tired of being depressed. For the first time in years I am finally to the point where I accept who I am. God, created us all different and these were the cards I was dealt. I wish I would have said something years ago and saved myself so much heartache. I am finally ready to admit that I am gay. I have struggled for years with this and I truly was afraid to lose the people around me that I love so much.

I believe God created me this way, and I know I will deal with this when Judgement Day comes, but that is my problem. I do not ask you to accept this, but I do ask for your continued love. If I lose friends and family over this, I am OK with that, but those people will still be loved by me, and will always have a place in my heart. I am only telling you this because the rumor mill is worse than a puppy mill, and I wanted you all to hear it from me first. I will answer all appropriate questions, and I will not tolerate rude comments.

My immediate family and grandparents have my back and now that they know, I feel I am free and the burden is gone forever. I felt I could express myself better in the written word than face to face. I love you all.

-Steve