Turning the Page

What to do? What to do? For the past two months, I have seriously been reevaluating my life and who I am. I still don’t know who I am, but I do know who I want to become. Sarcasm is my defense mechanism. Those who know me best know that my mouth can be my greatest weapon and can destroy someone instantly if I am attacked. It’s pretty sad that I have that ability. I love to have this weapon in my corner when a fight arises, but this past year I have been out of control. Of course I am dealing with personal issues, but it’s still no excuse to hurt those around me. Sometimes I don’t even know I am doing it.

For Lent, I gave up gossiping and talking bad about others. The first week I caught myself about to say something negative almost every hour. It got easier over the following forty days, but wow the “once an hour” statistic kept bothering me. Had this once pleasant man, really turned into this pretty big asshole? Yes, yes he did. I had a lot of turmoil going on, but I did not expect it to work its way out via words and actions. I joked all month that I hoped this experiment would not change me. Luckily it did. Do I still get a good laugh at people tripping or wearing an odd outfit? Yes, I do.  Can I control my tongue and think before I speak? Yes, I finally learned this was a “real thing” someone can do. I have been working really hard at guarding my tongue, and to my surprise, I am pretty successful at doing so.

I have since apologized to those who I have hurt along the way and for the most part everyone has accepted my apology and it has made my relationships stronger. On this journey, I saw who was a real friend and who was just dragging me down. I am slowly but surely cutting all the negative things and people out of my life. This is just one small step to become who I want to be as a man.

Many exciting changes are coming. I am excited for the rekindling of old friendships and making current relationships stronger. I have a new lease on life. My new thing to do it accept other’s for who they are and not judge them at all. I have held in so much bitterness or lacked trust in someone because I judged them on their choices. After this realization, I felt euphoric. Nobody wants an unwarranted opinion, I certainly do not. To get respect you have to earn it.

Sadly, I may lose a few people along the way of this new journey, but I am OK with that. It’s not a loss, great times were had, but it’s time for their chapter in my life to end. In life you can move forward like a river and enjoy new experiences, or you can stay content and become stagnant like a pond. I’m tired of my mundane, boring life. I want to begin a new and exciting one.