She Did What???

OK this is one of my favorite/worst stories of all time. I am going to tell you about the night I learned how to do the Cupid Shuffle.

It happened a few years ago when I was a junior in college. I had stayed in VA for the summer to take extra courses. This particular week was crazy. I had just gotten off work and it was the shift from hell. (http://sharinglaughs.blogspot.com/2012/06/shift-from-hell.html) So I decided to go back to the dorm, shower, and grab a drink. I guess my roomie was still at work, so I didn't wait for him. Mind you, I went to Liberty University and Lynchburg is a super dry town. There was only one bar within an hour drive. Its name was Rubbs. In the day it was a biker bar, in the afternoon it was a middle age-ish bar, and at night us 20-somethings took it over.

So anyway, alone, I venture out to Rubbs. I parked behind the place in the "employee parking lot" which was reserved for LU students to hide their cars from campus authority. So I walk in, it’s roughly 11:30pm and it’s dead. I sit at the bar and Molly, the hottie bartender, comes right up to keep me company. Side Note: We were both prayer leaders on our hall at the time. There was Molly and I, the cook, two guards, a DJ, two older guys and this hillbilly chick and this guy, Dave, Molly and I befriended in the bar.

A couple drinks in, the laughter and storytelling starts. The music was just getting good, and for those of you who know me, I love to dance. Then these two beautiful, black women walked in. I find out later they are niece and aunt. Well I order another drink and I am itching to get out on the floor and dance. Molly sees me fidgeting, and she, along with Dave, convince me to go ask the girls to dance.

Nervous, I take a sip and tell the guys "I'm going over there." But before I made my move, I told Dave "If I start to dance with that hillbilly come get me." I then turned to Molly and said "If I start dancing with that hillbilly chick flag me." They laughed and rudely pushed me toward the floor.

Let me give you some background on this hillbilly chick. She was probably in her early 30's, but she had meth face and looked like she was in her late 40's. She had straggly, bleach-blonde hair and from what I could see she only had a 1/2 of tooth in her whole mouth. She had track marks all up her legs and arms. Lastly she was wearing this neon pink outfit. The top looked like a sports bra and she had matching skin tight booty shorts and pink sneakers to match. This would have looked good, but she also had a little bit of a gut...and by little I mean it covered the entire front of those booty shorts she was trying to pull off. Hence this is why I wanted Dave to come get me and Molly to flag me.

So I went over to talk to the ladies, I asked them if they wanted to dance. Since I was the only guy on the floor I spun them both around the floor. (Yes, I have swag.) We danced for about two songs when the niece turned to me all excited and announce that her and her aunt were going to teach me the Cupid Shuffle. I had no clue how to do it, but I am a good student and caught on fast. The niece occupied my front as the aunt occupied my back, and we went down down and did our thing.

The DJ played the song again this time so we could really jam out to it. So still in the same position, a few bars into the song the aunt pulls a "reach around" and grabs my junk, well, thinking this is a sign I slide my hand to her backside. The second I touched her ass she shoves me away and starts screaming like a crazy woman. The one bouncer comes over and is asking what happened. The lady kept screaming and I said "She grabbed so I grabbed." I apologized and the woman, still screaming, grabbed her niece and they left.

The song was still playing, so I turned around and began to finish the dance. When I turned around, there she was in all her glory, the hillbilly. I know it went against everything I had stated no more than 5 minutes prior, but what the hell I had a minute or two left of the song and it was over. Well we did the moves and we decided to jazz up the "walk it by yourself" part. We got in real close and shimmied our way to the next position.

I don't know why, but we stayed in position and continued to dance with a full embrace. We went down down and did our thing and that is when it happened. All of the sudden I felt warmth on my knee and down my leg. The chick drops to the ground and starts crying, saying "I thought I could hold it till the end of the song. I thought I could hold it till the end of the song!" I am in disbelief as the bouncer comes running over. The bouncer is yelling "STEVE! It hasn't even been a minute. What the hell is wrong with you? What happened this time?"

In disbelief, I look down and my pants and my jeans are soaked. I looked the bouncer dead in the eyes and said "The bitch pissed on me!" The bouncer finally came to and realized what the hell was going on and escorted the chick to the bathroom as I sloshed over to the bar to grab my coat. Dave greeted me with a high five and a huge smile asking "What the hell did you do?" Molly came over and asked "What the hell's going on?" All I could do is look down at my pants and say "The bitch pissed on me!" They died laughing.

Dave and Molly both offered to buy me a drink. I declined and said good night and walked out. The bouncer at the door asked "Dude where you going? It's only midnight." Midnight? All this happening in 30 minutes??? All I could do was look at my pants and tell him "Dude I got pissed on!" He laughed and wished me luck.

I drove straight back to the dorm and my roomie was there waiting for me. He took one look at my pants and cracked up. I simply said "Some bitch pissed on me!!!" I hopped in the shower and the last thing I saw was my amazing roomie taking my jeans to the washer.

This is my life. I told you to hold on for the ride!!!

I Believe In Mythology

Mythology is a huge part of my family's tradition. For generations, stories have been passed down. I love believing in the stories, it let's me know there is something more to grasp for in this world. I myself believe I am a descendant of a mythological creature. Don't get your panties in a bunch, it's a cool story and it coincides with my individuality.

In Irish folklore, by the way I'm 75% Irish, there is a creature called a Selkie. A Selkie is a supernatural seal of sorts that when it came on land, it would shed it's fur coat and become human. The coat in turn resembled a fur blanket. Well, according to legend, there was a huge oil spill in the 1800's around Ireland which forced the Selkies on land. Back then there was no way to clean up the oil as fast as we can today, so the Selkies ended up marrying humans and settling down. Eventually this led to their extinction. Tradition says they only "proof" left that Selkies ever existed is that their sons and great-grandsons have webbed toes. Well ladies and gents, I have webbed toes, along with my uncles, great-uncles, and male cousins and that there is proof enough for me.

Now, as my followers you should already know that I believe in God. That is not open for discussion I have my reasons for my beliefs and you have yours. End of story. Anyhoo I was watching an episode of True Blood, when one of the characters stated "Why don't you people [Christians] believe, we [mythological creatures] are all mentioned in your Bible." Well that made me think. I know its a TV show and I know my Bible very well, but I decided to check the facts, just for fun. I spent days searching the concordance, reading verses (in context), and comparing note with other various books, all I can say is WOW!!! My mind was blown. Here is what I've found...so far.

We all know the Bible has God and the Devil, Angels and Demons, Giants (Goliath) and Dragons, but here is a small list of mythological creatures I have found that are mentioned in the Bible.

1. Shape Shifter (Nebuchadnezzar)- Daniel 3
2. Sea Monsters (Leviathan)- Job 3:8 and various other verses in Job and Isaiah
3. Witches (Witch of Endor)- 1 Samuel 28
4. Ghosts (Samuel)- 1 Samuel 28
5. Giants- Genesis 6
6. Dragons- Various verses throughout Nehemiah, Psalms, and Isaiah
7. Cockatrice- Isaiah and Jeremiah
8. Unicorns- Numbers 23:22, Deuteronomy 33:17, and Job 39
9. Gryphon- Leviticus 11:13
10. Satyrs- Isaiah 13:21, 34:14

The Bible states that "even a child can understand it [Bible]." I believe the Bible to be entirely true, and meant to coincide with the present time, and if I believe in this why can't I let my imagination run wild and believe in something a little more folklore-ish? I will keep my imagination thriving, and will consider these passages, as of this moment, to have blown my mind, and made me think twice about some of the stories I was told as a child. Don't think I'm crazy for writing about this, but I see it as the Bible just preserving and making us remember our age of innocence.

Yay! Mythology is so much fun!!!

Iceman

This past week I enjoyed a marvelous vaycay (stories to come later). I also took a chance on something and started standing up for myself for the first time in my life. I am on a take-no-crap-from-anybody kick. All my life I have let people control me and beat me down, but not anymore!!! I have risen above and taken control of my life. Who knew I would enjoy my crazy wonderful life even more now that I'm in control? As Charlie Sheen would say "WINNING!!!"

Now everything comes with a price. I started saying "no" and now the universe has given me a really bad week riddled with the oddest bad luck streak I've ever had. First, on my way home from vaycay, my car was killed by a rock. Second, the day after I get home I hear my dear Aunt Pat, who is suffering from cancer, took a major turn for the worse. Now, today, my rental car decided to stop at the gas station and play games. For some reason it would not drive. I would shift gears and drive in reverse, but damn it, it would not drive forward. I reversed all the way into a parking spot got out to look under the hood. I ended up burning the crap out of my hands because something startled me. Just as I was about to give up, I looked up to the sky and asked "Why isn't it raining?" and God thought that question was so funny He let it pour. FML!

After help arrived I learned that the car wouldn't drive because I still had the damn emergency break on. My brain has been so frazzled this week dealing with family/friend issues, catching up on work, dealing with AAA, and trying to find a new car  I feel as though I may go crazy. Just as I think I cannot take anymore, Hell throws me another fireball and just like Iceman in X-Men, I freeze them suckers and bat them out of the park. Bring it! I can take anything, and still do it with a smile on my face!!!

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't no one gonna slow me down. OH NO!!! I got to keep on moving."

Goodbye Rosey

I remember the day I brought my baby home from the dealership. She was in pristine condition; white as a cotton ball with soft, comfortable interior.  We did everything together. We went to work, church, and parties together. We shared long naps and quiet drives all over the country. I named her Rosemary after the song “Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes.” She was wonderful! We road tripped as North as New Hampshire, as South a Kentucky, as West as L.A, and as East at the Jersey Shore. She was my baby, my partner in crime.

We shared so many memories. She protected my life more than once. Busses hit us, drunk drivers hit us, and we slipped and slid into tree trunks and fire hydrants together. We ate meals together. (I’d give her some oil or gas while pulled over for a quick lunch.) We belted out music like no other duo ever could!!! We flew through yellow lights, and managed to get out of every speeding ticket we were ever pulled over for. Her doors would block me from traffic’s view if I had to attend to nature’s call on the side over the road. And every morning I would slap her ass and say “Let’s go!”

My friends loved her. She carted us from city to city, with always an enjoyable spirit. She was always filled with amazing tunes. AND she always smelled like a party, yet still kept it classy clean. Ahh, my Rosey was the best. She saw the best, the worst and sexiest sides of my friends and me.

Sadly my Rosey passed away 650 miles away from home. We had just celebrated her 100,000^th mile mark on this trip. She was in the final stretch of her last road trip when a rock flew up from the road and pierced her heart. With one last exhale, my Rosey drifted to the center of I-80 in Mokena, IL and slowly closed her eyes and drifted off to the great highway in the sky. Upset, I hugged her and begged her not to die. When we arrived at the mechanics, I was told there was nothing they could do. She was gone. With my eyes welling up, for old time sake, I gave her one last slap on her ass and said “Good game!!!”

Announced!!!

Sorry for the delay in blogs, but I was on vaycay making new memories to share with you. Here is a list of upcoming blogs.

1. Nashville
2. The Way Out
3. Los Angeles
4. The Way Back
5. Goodbye Rosey
6. April Fools

Be patient, and I promise these will make you laugh.

Sydney Barry's Obituary

During my years as an actor, I kept a journal on each character I played. At the end of each play, my acting coach made me write an obituary for the character. Below is my favorite obit. I have written. It is for Sydney Barry from California Suite. Enjoy.

Sydney Barry's Obituary

On Tuesday May 11, 2010 Sydney Barry passed away. He was a beloved friend and husband. He worked most of his life as an antique dealer in London. He met his wife, Oscar nominee, Diana Barry during a play in college. They were inseparable and looked like the perfect couple. The London police, however, have started and investigation into his death. When his body was found, his eyes were gauged out and he appeared to be strangled by a chiffon sash, much like the one Mrs. Barry wore to the Oscars that previous Sunday. When the police found her, she was covered in blood screaming “I saw you lick the artichoke!!!” Officials still do not know what this means, but by the appearance in which they found Mr. and Mrs. Barry, they are holding Mrs. Diana Barry for the murder of Mr. Sidney Barry.

The Sun Is Shining Come On Get Happy

What makes you happy? As I have said many times before I live with an eternal optimism. I am always happy. Why you may ask? No it’s not a chemical imbalance. It’s a choice. I choose to put a smile on my face every day. Even if it starts out fake, once I power through I am good to go. If I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I turn on “Dog Days Are Over,” and by the end of the song my landlord is knocking at my door asking me to be quiet. I highly suggest if ever you wake up in a terrible mood, try singing in the shower. SIDE NOTE: Do not sing or try to dance to Single Ladies. You will fall out of the shower, rip your curtain down, hit your head on the sink, and become semi-unconscious on the floor with your bare ass hanging out! True story.

I challenge you to take in the little things around you like a fresh breeze, a day without humidity, the smell of your morning coffee.  I read an article once on the difference between Optimists and Pessimists. The only difference, so the article said, was optimists notice little things that pessimists do not. After contemplating that I realized it’s true. I love the grass in between my toes, or the guy at Dunkin Donuts who says “Hey Buddy” when I walk in. Optimists simply take pleasure in the little things and pessimists rarely do. 

Another thing this article mentioned was pessimists are too absorbed with all their negativity that they do not care to go out of their way to meet new people. I on the other hand am a social butterfly. I have an amazing life and am 99% happy all the time, but people enrich my life and I love nothing more than making people smile. It’s one of those “little things” I take pleasure in.

Open yourself up and stop to smell the roses. Once you do, you will feel more fulfilled, which in turn will make you a happier person. Some of my pessimistic friends do not understand why I am so outgoing nor have so many true friends. I in turn tell them it just makes me happy, and it gives me perks. Not monetary perks, but friendly perks. Suzie will let me sing my karaoke song before the others do or I’ll walk into the piano bar and Dena will begin to play Bad Romance or Kevin sings “Hello Steven” as I enter, or Will and Ashley simply calling me Mr. Sunshine makes me smile and all those people are just a small part of my night, but they put me in that great mood I love to be in.

Taking pleasure in the little things gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t go around killing other people. Remember that. J

 “Forget your troubles

Come on get happy

You better chase all you care away

Shout hallelujah

Come on get happy

Get ready for the judgment day

The sun is shining

Come on get happy

The lord is waiting to take your hand

Shout hallelujah

Come on get happy

We're going to the Promised Land” –Judy Garland

Follow This Link To Put A Smile On Your Face: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2U-rBZREQMw

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!

End of an Era

All good things must come to an end. The reign of a great pastor, a 60 some year marriage, FRIENDS, a great meal, or even a friendship, all must end sooner or later. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and having that belief has helped me immensely over the years. Am I saddened by the loss of these things? Sure. Do I deal with it and move on? Of course. This week I lost a close friend of mine, but I guess it was just meant to be. After years of memories (mostly good), we had to go our separate ways…for my sake and sanity. I wish this person well and will always have fond memories and will not let our last words define the relationship. The ending came out of pettiness, but I am tired of bending to that person’s will and being interrogated each time we see each other, being asked the same questions over and over again while expecting a different answer each time.

I am growing up and moving on with my life. This does not mean I don’t love you anymore, it means I need to be there for myself, you’re an adult its time you stop using your muscle to get what you want and start taking responsibility for your actions.

Who knows, down the road we may be friends again, but until that time you will always have a place in my heart. You know what to do if you want to be a part of my life again.

We wore each other out.